Whether you’re a player or a spectator, this draft class of sporty goods has a home run for you.

Whether you’re a player or a spectator, this draft class of sporty goods has a home run for you.

Pivothead – Durango HD Recorder Glasses, $300

We know you’ve recorded yourself doing unwise things (God knows we have) but it’s time to take your idiocy to the next level. Pivothead’s HD recorder glasses were developed to record the POV of extreme sports athletes, but since we never really got our training wheels off, we use it for a different purpose. Namely, recording people’s reactions as we walk down the street with no pants on. What? It’s refreshingly breezy!

[pagebreak]ESPN 30 for 30 Box Set, $54

Being a sports fan isn’t only about downing pitchers of beer and plowing your way through wing plates the size of small vehicles. Don’t get us wrong, that’s mostly what being a sports fan is about, but there’s (just a little) more to it. ESPN’s much-heralded documentary series brings you deep inside sports. Until you hear the story of Len Bias, the Celtics draft pick whose drug-related death occurred two days after draft day, or the bizarre events of June 17th, 1994, you’re only watching from the outside. But hey, at least there are wings there.

[pagebreak]The Super Bowl I-XLVI Collection Set, $250

You’ve probably watched “The Big Game,” but have you watched every “The Big Game”? The Super Bowl Collection features every play captured by NFL Films’ all-seeing eye. If you can miraculously survive 46 Super Bowls worth of snacks and beer, then you’ll have earned every second of the incredible bonus features that await you. That is, unless you don’t want to put all your friends to shame and end all football-related arguments immediately.

[pagebreak]TaylorMade RocketBLADEZ, $799

TaylorMade claimed that these new irons—with a “speed pocket” in the sole and low CG (that’s center of gravity, we think)—would launch the ball high and straight even when you pick up and hit it low on the face. Well, we know a thing or two about worm-burners, so we challenged that assertion on the course the other day, and Goddamn if they weren’t right. RocketBladez gave us something we don’t usually have with a five-iron in our hands: Confidence (also: an excuse to use the term “worm-burner” in a non-VD context).

[pagebreak]Reboot Sports Magma Football, $25

We don’t all get to play under the big lights, but that doesn’t mean your balling should be restricted to the daylight hours. This impact-activated football glows long and bright for games that run late into the booze-fueled night. If you don’t have time for toys, you’re in luck – this is no foam kiddie junk. The Magma Football looks and feels legit, so you have an excuse for “taking it too far” after knocking your buddy’s block off.

[pagebreak]New Era Dog Ear Cap, $44

It’s not easy being a football fan. The players are fickle, the refs are crooked, and the owners are thinking about their fat stacks. You put your heart and soul into your squad – not to mention your paycheck into their tickets – and what do you get in return? Cold ears. Well, kiss those frosty lobes goodbye, fan-nation – there’s a new cap in town. No matter which team you rep, the days of the tough-luck fan are through…well, unless you’re a Browns fan. Then it’s always bad (but at least you’ll have a cool hat).

[pagebreak]Game-used Base Barstool, $950

Now let us be clear, this is not a base that is currently being used in an MLB game. There’s absolutely no chance that Shane Victorino is going to come barreling into you to try to break up the double play while you’re having a beer in your finished basement (awesome though that would be). However, these team-specific bases were formerly used in actual games, so if you like resting your ass where your favorite players have stood (and were likely stranded, if you’re a Mets fan); this is the stool for you.

[pagebreak]85 Ft. Inflatable Military Obstacle Course, $12,500

Remember the Slip ‘n Slides of your youth? You’d spray down the tarp, screw in the hose, and slide on down – possibly through the mouth of a fictional crocodile – inevitably being bloodied by rocks and roots hidden under the paper-thin slide. Wasn’t that great – and incredibly painful – fun? Well, why don’t you ratchet that up about a thousand notches with this full-size inflatable military-style obstacle course. Featuring true military obstacles such as hedgehogs and a rope swing, it’s like a family-friendly Full Metal Jacket! Just remember to gouge out your buddy’s eyes and skull-fuck him if he messes up.

[pagebreak]NFL Team Crock Pot, $60

You may support your team by watching every game and yelling your throat raw, but do you really support your team? Pats fans – remember when Eli Manning, a man who looks incapable of closing the deal after senior prom, engineered TWO championship-winning drives within four years? It probably happened because you don’t have a New England Crock-Pot. Buffalo fans – remember the entire 1990s? Well, if you weren’t making BBQ pork in your Bills edition Crock-Pot, you only have yourself to blame. When you’re ready to join the big leagues, let us know. We’ll be by the chili.

[pagebreak]tWall, $12,000

When we first heard about Exergaming, we were skeptical (read: lazy), but then we got into the tWall; the exergame where you turn off the lights on a giant rubbery wall with your fists (or feet) of fury. You can wail on this puppy as long and hard as you can without damaging the wall (more than we can say for your hands). It has all the benefits of exercise without the mind-numbing boredom. Essentially, we are tricking our dumb bodies into shape with games. Exercise, you’ve been replaced.

More of the 2012 Maxim Holiday Gift Guide