There’s Going to Be a Simpsons Theme Park!

Hopefully they have plenty of “Bort” license plates.

Hopefully they have plenty of “Bort” license plates.

© 2013 Universal Orlando Resort

Theme parks like Disney Land are typically nightmarish corporate fantasy camps for emotionally stunted adults, or children who’ve been trained to associate “fun” with otherwise unemployable theater majors clothed in 50 lb. Mickey Mouse costumes [Editor’s note: Our writer is still bitter that Goofy laughed at him after he wet his pants on Space Mountain]. But there’s nothing emotionally stunted about celebrating The Simpsons – the greatest television show of all time for anyone ages 22-35 – in theme park form!

A new section of Universal Studios Florida will center around the already established The Simpsons Ride, and the park will feature food, drink, and characters ripped right from the show (and a theater major dressed as Bumble Bee Man is not, for some reason that is totally not nostalgia, creepy!). Any fans of Duff Beer saddened that they can only get Springfield’s famous suds illegally shipped from the UK are in luck, as a new Duff brewed exclusively for the park will be available to patrons. As for dining options, best believe there’s Krusty Burgers (or as they say in Albany, “steamed hams”). And rides? Be like Max Power: Strap yourself in and feel the G’s, because you can expect The Simpsons theme to continue with barf-inducing thrills like the Kang & Kodos’ Twirl’n’Hurl. So come for the useless, lemon-shaped rocks and stay for the stupid, sexy Flanders.

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