They Shouldn’t Be Alive

With sports entertainers dropping like flies, it’s hard to believe that death hasn’t already tapped these wrestling superstars out.

Jake “the Snake” Roberts
Age: 52
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 1 to 1
Why he should be dead: Twenty-plus years of power slams and suplexes weren’t enough punishment for Jake the Snake, so he went and got himself turnbuckled by crack and alcohol. Now he’s off the substances and into the Bible, so even if he dies soon, it’s cool.
How he’ll die: We picture Jake going down for the big sleep at home alone, where his snake will consume his lifeless husk in one jaw-stretching gulp. Sad, but appropriate.

The Ultimate Warrior
Age: 48
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: For the better part of the late ’90s, we actually thought the Warrior (his legal name since 1993) was dead. His disappearance from the ring sparked countless rumors of his demise, but the man once known as Jim “Justice” Hellwig is still alive and delivering rant-filled speeches to directionless college kids all over the country. The clip proves his brain is mostly dead, so his (probably) steroid-riddled body can’t be far behind.
How he’ll die: Years spent screaming at the top of his lungs and tying off his joints to make his veins pop result in an explosive brain aneurysm during one of The Warrior’s tirades.

The Iron Sheik
Age: 67
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 5 to 1
Why he should be dead: As Howard Stern fans already know, the Sheik has a bit of a drinking problem, along with a volatile temper that makes Ron Artest look like John Stockton?in short shorts. Plus, we’re pretty sure there’s nothing but tumors underneath that mustache.
How he’ll die: We’re guessing bear attack. It’s a long shot, but given the unlikely circumstances that have taken the lives of other professional wrestlers, it’s not entirely unreasonable.

Ric Flair
Age: 58
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 8 to 1
Why he should be dead: We were shocked to find out that Nature Boy was born in 1949 rather than the late 1800s. It’s obvious that he still has all the style and charisma that made him a legend, but he’s also spent more time in the sun than the pyramids. Skin isn’t supposed to be bright orange, unless it’s on top of a delicious bowl of macaroni and cheese.
How he’ll die: Flair will tragically choke to death in a feather boa accident. During the autopsy, doctors will find that his skin was replaced with that of a beanbag around 1989.

Dusty Rhodes
Age: 62
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Even when Dusty was in his prime, his man boobs suggested that the American Dream spent as much time with Bit-O-Honeys as he did with barbells. Now that he has no reason to exercise, he has a regular seat in every rib joint south of Delaware.
How he’ll die: Can you overdose on barbecue sauce? If anyone can find out, it’ll be Dusty.

Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Age: 64
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 20 to 1
Why he should be dead: Superfly spent the majority of his life doing belly flops onto burly dudes from 15 feet out. That can’t be good for vital organs.
How he’ll die: Amazingly, Jimmy still makes his way to the ring from time to time, and he doesn’t look half bad. We picture him retiring to his birth country of Fiji, where he’ll die old, enjoying a drink with a tiny umbrella. Then he’ll drift off toward the big white light, where he’ll meet up with the Big Boss Man and Koko B. Ware’s parrot.

Road Warrior Animal
Age: 47
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: Since his partner Hawk died back in 2003, Animal has been a shell of the Mohawked man he once was. He’s since tried to fill the void left in the Legion of Doom, but no one has been able to pack the spiky shoulder pads like his old pal.
How he’ll die: Did we mention before that he wears shoulder pads with huge metal spikes on them? If one of those were to end up jammed in his brain, we would be sad, but in no way surprised.

Terry Funk
Age: 62
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 2 to 1
Why he should be dead: Terry’s career started in 1965, before just about everyone on staff here was even born. Since then, he’s been choked, slammed, and choke-slammed more times than the remaining WWE combined.
How he’ll die: By now it has become obvious to us that pain and abuse are the only things keeping Funk alive. His end will come on vacation, when no one hits him with a furnishing the entire week and he dies of boredom.

Mick Foley
Age: 42
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 3 to 1
Why he should be dead: Our fondest memories of Mick involve him being beaten within an inch of his life with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, which, as most doctors will tell you, is not the ticket to a long and healthy life. The only reason we set his odds of survival better than Terry Funk’s is because he’s a full 20 years younger. That just gives him more time to think of things with which he can batter himself about the head.
How he’ll die: Something tells us that Mick’s death will be preceded immediately by him saying, “I’m sure it’ll be fine if you hit me with your car.”

Ted DiBiase
Age: 53
Odds that he’ll die before 2008: 10 to 1
Why he should be dead: We’re not going to come right out and say that the Million Dollar Man ever did cocaine, but can you name one other activity common to millionaires in the 1980s? We didn’t think so.
How he’ll die: Caviar poisoning. ‘Cause, you know, that’s what rich guys eat.