Today in NFL Crime: Drugs, Guns, and Vaseline

The latest news on an alleged murderer, alleged drug user, and a tight end who was really, really excited about a sale at Target.

Aaron Hernandez

Former tight end and current inmate Aaron Hernandez is now being investigated as the triggerman of a double murder committed before that other murder, which sent him from Gillette Stadium to the big house. Get this man a metal mask, a creepy British accent, and send in Jodie Foster—we have a serial killer on our hands!

Kellen Winslow Jr. 

Photo: Joel Auerbach/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

Jets tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. was arrested for possession of synthetic marijuana in the parking lot of a New Jersey Target back in November, but dig these newly released tidbits that make the story ever-so-slightly more interesting: the woman who called police to the scene was less concerned that Winslow was sitting in his Escalade with synthetic drugs than she was that he was sitting in his Escalade with an erect penis that he was vigorously masturbating. When police arrived, according to the report, they asked him what he was doing and he replied that he was looking for a Boston Market and was lost. (We’ve heard many euphemisms for whacking off, but “looking for Boston Market” is new to us.) Winslow for some reason consented to a vehicle search, during which police say they found two open containers of Vaseline on his center console in addition to plastic bags marked “Mr. Happy” and empty plastic containers of “Funky Monkey.” Two containers of Vaseline? That’s Hall of Fame public masturbating, Winslow, first ballot!

Davone Bess

Photo: Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Davone Bess was arrested this morning at Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International Airport on charges of assaulting a law enforcement officer. The police report states that Bess seemed to be “under the influence of an unknown narcotic” and was “acting irrationally, dancing, singing, with his pants repeatedly falling down.” When confronted, Bess reportedly grabbed a cup of coffee and squeezed it, spraying coffee on the officer. He then took a “fighting stance,” so the officer hit him in the leg with a baton. Bess did what most of us would have done when hit by a policeman’s baton: he removed his shirt. We’ll have what he’s having!

Photos by Boston Globe/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014