US Soccer Players Officially Allowed to “Score” During World Cup

The Mexicans, alas, are not.

When the United States Men’s National Team lands in Brazil next week to begin its quest for glory at the World Cup, players will be happy to know that even if they lose every game and set the sport back decades in the US, they’ll be allowed to go back the hotel and have sex with their wives. Or whoever they want, really. This is Brazil, after all. 

Believe it or not, not every soccer player in Brazil will be awarded this privilege. A handful of coaches have already banned their players from copulation during the four-week tournament. Our arch rival, Mexico, is one of the teams that must remain celibate. So too is Bosnia and Herzegovina and Chile. Defending champions Spain and US opponent Germany have match-day sex bans, while Brazilian players will be allowed to have normal sex as long as it doesn’t include “acrobatics.” 

Most teams that will allow fornication haven’t made that policy explicitly clear, though a few coaches have gone on record. Along with the US, England and France seem to have no problem with sex. This comes with a giant caveat though: all sex should be had with a girlfriend or spouse. Otherwise things can get dangerous. Consider the Spanish National team’s experience in Recife at last year’s Confederations Cup. According to the Brazilian media, the team held a party full of local booze and local women that ended with six players getting robbed. It’s worth mentioning that there’s no research showing sexual activity hinders athletic performance. If anything, it might help, which makes you understand why Klinsmann is allowing Americans to get some. We’ll need all the help we can get.

Photos by John Sleezer / MCT / Landov