Valentine’s Day Cocktails for the Lonely

Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”

Because your drink will never call you an “insufferable mama’s boy.”

Spending your Valentine’s Day alone doesn’t mean you have to wallow. Mix yourself up a couple delicious cupid-flavor concoctions (to be enjoyed responsibly, of course) and relax; just make sure to follow these instructions to a T.

Cupid’s Bow

4 oz Belvedere Vodka

½ oz Simple Syrup

1 oz Lemon Juice

12 Raspberries

2 Dashes Egg White

Shake vigorously and strain into two chilled martini glasses. Garnish with a raspberry. Drink one while pouring the other down the drain; like that awful shrew did with all the love that you gave her. She doesn’t deserve you, you handsome son of a bitch.

Raspberry White Chocolate Truffle

3 oz Van Gogh Raspberry Vodka

1 oz White chocolate Godiva

3 oz White crème de Cocoa

1 ½ oz Raspberry Liqueur

6 Raspberries

Place Raspberries into the bottom of two martini glasses. Combine liquid ingredients in a shaker and shake over ice. Strain into glasses. Drink one and then throw the other one at a photo of you in happier times. Go to a romantic restaurant and tell all the couples what life is really like. Demand the bartender make you another “chocolate-fruit something or other.”

Lord Panama

4 oz Ron Abuelo 7 Años

10 oz lightly sweetened iced tea

Lime wedge

Split the Abuelo over ice in two highball glasses then fill with iced tea. Squeeze in a lime wedge. Stir to mix. Drink both in rapid succession and then leave a sobbing message on her answering machine. Call back but throw your phone against the wall before you say anything. That’ll show her.

Girls in Red

The Supervillain Valentine’s Gift Guide