MMA brawler UFC Undisputed 3 is out for Xbox 360 and PS3 this month. Here’s what we’ve learned about real-world fighting from video games.
UFC Undisputed 3
Situation: You’re getting your face pounded by a seasoned brawler.
What we learned: It’s really easy to win a fight with a quick flying scissor heel hook.
The result: Not being able to wipe our own asses for a month after tripping and snapping our coccyxes in half when we hit the sidewalk.
Streets of Rage 2
Situation: A bunch of punks are beating you to a pulp in a bar. What we learned: As fast as possible (ideally in one quick, fluid motion), eat a 17-pound roast turkey.
The result: Falling into a tryptophan coma and napping peacefully while thugs finish murdering us to death.
River City Ransom
Situation: High school bullies are stealing your girlfriend.
What we learned: Run to the nearest bookstore, buy a textbook on fighting, and instantly absorb the ability to do 720-degree front-flip jump kicks.
The result: We got to about 18 degrees, hit our head on a bike rack, and then watched our girlfriend totally make out with Chip Kowalski
Street Fighter II
Situation: Facing off against your mortal rival. In the street, obviously.
What we learned: Throwing fireballs is an effective tactic.
The result: It turns out that making a fireball is not the same as making a snowball, and taking a beating is much worse after heat-sealing all your fingers together.
Situation: You walk into a robbery and get shot in the leg.
What we learned: Cower behind a rock until your shields come back.
The result: Because we are not the starship Enterprise, we do not have shields. We do, however, apparently have a finite amount of blood. (Expert tip: Blood works better when it’s on the inside.)
Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker
Situation: You’re surrounded by thugs on the dance floor intent on harshing your groove.
What we learned: Dance twirls are the deadliest of all maneuvers.
The result: “Shamone” is really hard to say when someone’s forcibly inserting a saxophone into your anal cavity.