There are a lot of TV options to choose from. Too much for any one person to completely monitor, but that doesn't mean we're not going to do our best to sift through all the listings and figure out what you should be watching every week...with all the highlights, lowlights, and guilty pleasures you can stand.
Monday, March 28
8 p.m. Charlie Sheen On The Brink (DFH)
Charlie Sheen is on the brink, all right. Whether that's on the brink of winning, on the brink of coke-binge-fueled death, or on the brink of complete and utter batshittery is still up for debate. But, until that's all figured out, this hour-long special will delve further into the unraveling of the tiger blood-infused star and features interviews with the likes of porn star Gina Lynn, a Goddess whom Sir Charlie previously courted.
Tuesday, March 29
8 p.m. Body of Proof (ABC)
Philadelphia doc Megan Hunt (underrated babe Dana Delany) becomes a medical examiner after an accident leaves her unable to perform surgeries. In the series premiere episode, she gets right into the swing of things and works on a body that was found in the Schulykill River. We're not saying the Philly Phanatic had something to do with it...but, let's be honest, he probably did. That unholy mascot-anteater hybrid simply cannot be trusted.
Thursday, March 31
Check local listings, Major League Baseball Opening Day
The 2011 baseball season, which, mercifully, kicks off today, not only ushers in hundreds upon hundreds of games to watch until October, but scads of hot dog and beer ready for consumption, fantasy league drafts, and keeping decades-old rivalries alive and well. Just don't cross the Philly Phanatic. Or else...
Saturday, April 2
6 p.m. NCAA Final Four games (CBS)
Since we can't predict which teams will make it to the Final Four (if our brackets have taught us nothing else, it's that), we can say with almost absolute certainty that it's not Syracuse, Purdue, UCLA, or Bucknell. There. Wasn't that helpful?
What To Avoid
Thursday, March 31
9 p.m. Mobbed (Fox)
Howie Mandel hosts this special in which people spring major life-changing news to their loves ones via a flash mob (Nothing says "You've passed along your seed!" quite like an unexpected dance at the mall.) We're gonna just hold out for the ep in which germophobic Howie learns that none of the participants have actually washed their hands. Surprise!
Friday, April 1
10 p.m. The Soup Awards (E!)
Everyone featured on The Soup is a winner, so it's going to be awfully tough for host Joel McHale and co. to narrow down which preposterous television freak show should actually win their prestigious prizes. Last year's winners included Mario Lopez for The Mario Lopez Award for Meaningless Journalism and Snooki pulled an upset in the Snooki of the Year category. For this year's ceremony we'd like to officially nominate Aunt Bunny for the "Girrrrl, Please" Award and "Oh, here go hell come" guy for Best "Oh, Here Go Hell Come".
Sunday, April 3
8 p.m. Academy of Country Music Awards (CBS)
We're willing to break our one-awards-show-per weekend rule for the Academy of Country Music Awards for the simple fact that Carrie Underwood will be there. And Gwyneth Paltrow won't.