This Week in High-Profile Sports Peeing

Can you pull over? We sorta have to go.

The biggest news this week from the sports world didn’t have anything to do with bullying or steroids (for once). Instead, we were treated with a golden stream of urine-related tales, some gross and others, well, gross. They’re all gross.

Firstly, in a video released by NFL Films where coaches and players reveal hidden talents and obscure facts about themselves, ex-Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder divulges that he peed his pants in the huddle. In every game. For six years. Besides flagrantly misunderstanding what a “hidden talent” is, Crowder also admits to offending his teammates with the act. When guys who snap each other’s asses with towels 5 days a week find your shtick gross, it might be time to find a new “talent. “

Elsewhere, in the mandatory monthly “Jose Canseco is a maniac” piece of news, the slugger tweeted a photo depicting himself being  pulled over by a police officer while transporting two diapered goats in the back of his SUV. It’s remarkable that Eastbound and Down does so well considering that we have a real-life Kenny Powers right here in the real world.

Finally, in overseas pee-pee news, two teams in the sixth tier (read: terrible) of England soccer clashed in a contentious FA cup fixture, after which the losing team – Boreham Wood FC – trashed the visitor’s locker room. Among the wreckage – much of which they argued was there when they arrived in a long, typo-ridden “official statement” on their webpage – was a puddle of urine, and a tea kettle in the urinal. Dammit, Boreham Wood FC, this is why we can’t have nice things. Or shitty things (depending on whose story you believe). 

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