This Week In Weird Sports: Dwile Flonking

As if you needed another reason to drink.

If you enjoy drinking, then you enjoy Dwile Flonking, which is basically a made-up game with a bunch of made-up rules for people to try and follow as they kill time while drinking. According to the wiki page:

According to The Friends Of The Lewes Arms, “The rules of the game are impenetrable and the result is always contested.” However, less alcohol-centric authorities provide more clarity.

A ‘dull witted person’ is chosen as the referee or ‘jobanowl’ and the two teams decide who flonks first by tossing a sugar beet. The game begins when the jobanowl shouts “Here y’go t’gither!”

The non-flonking team joins hands and dances in a circle around a member of the flonking team, a practice known as ‘girting’. The flonker dips his dwile-tipped ‘driveller’ (a pole 2–3 ft long and made from hazel or yew) into a bucket of beer, then spins around in the opposite direction to the girters and flonks his dwile at them.

If the dwile misses completely it is known as a ‘swadger’ or a ‘swage’. When this happens the flonker must drink the contents of an ale-filled ‘gazunder’ (chamber pot (‘goes-under’ the bed)) before the wet dwile has passed from hand to hand along the line of now non-girting girters chanting the ancient ceremonial mantra of “pot pot pot”.

A full game comprises four ‘snurds’, each snurd being one team taking a turn at girting. The jobanowl adds interest and difficulty to the game by randomly switching the direction of rotation, and will levy drinking penalties on any player found not taking the game seriously enough.

Points are awarded as follows:

   * 3: a ‘wanton’- a direct hit on a girter’s head

   * 2: a ‘morther’ or ‘marther’- a body hit

   * 1: a ‘ripple’ or ‘ripper’- a leg hit

   * -1 per sober person at the end of the game

At the end of the game, the team with the most number of points wins, and will be awarded a ceremonial pewter gazunder.

I don’t know what a gazunder is, but now I really want one.