Jadeveon Clowney, the Houston lineman and No. 1 pick sidelined with a torn meniscus will return to gameplay against the roughneck Steelers on MNF. Here’s what the ever-eloquent defender told a Houston reporter: “I want to hit somebody. I haven’t hit nobody in a long time.” Replace the word “Somebody” with the name “Ben” and you’ve got a pretty good notion of what this game is going to look like. We don’t root against the Pittsburgh – we’re too frightened to – but watching a big sack of potatoes go down is more fun than watching a small sack of potatoes run for five yards and slide. Speaking of getting sacked… the controversy surrounding Vice President Joe Biden’s son being released by the Navy after testing positive for cocaine is set to boil over. The VP is going to have to make a statement. We suspect it will be soon and we suspect it will be memorable. Ten bucks says the official comment includes the phrase, “We’ve all been there.”
And we'll probably still be enjoying our favorite military scandal of the moment. Did Guardsmen let British swimsuit models inappropriately use their weapons? Yeah, on video. Thank goodness they didn't ask for the keys to an ICBM.
Fiat, the proud owner of Jeep, is set to release a sporty new SUV named the Avventura. If the brightly colored urban mega-hatchback is half as successful as the Renegade, we’ll be tempted to rent one the next time we’re in Milano. If not, it will be another Continental half measure, like capris or the E.U. When we’re done reading our copy of Auto Italia, we’ll be looking up: The Orionid meteor shower should be peak amid a crescendo of fireballs and general astronomical chaos. We’ll watch in awe, knowing it must be a metaphor for something, but not knowing what. Then we’ll go inside to watch the season premier of “Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel,” a franchise as criminally underrated as the Chargers.
We will not watch the first game of the World Series. Realistically, it’s just not gonna happen.
Alright, we’ll catch the last few innings. It feels like a sort of patriotic obligation.
Earlier in the day we’ll be checking in on the reaction to the one of our favorite brands making the jump from Sweden to London. Our Legacy, the beyond excellent, dress-down staple is opening a brick and mortar outpost around the corner from good ol’ Carnaby Street. If the store succeeds, we’re likely to see a lot of Instagram pics and, after that, another location stateside. That would make us very happy – if a bit poorer.
Bill Murray is in a movie. We’re gonna see it. We’re simple like that.
Keanu Reeves is in a movie. We’re not gonna see it. We’re clever like that. What we’re gonna do instead is read a lot of reviews then – if they fall short of scathing – find a way to stream it illegally. Are we proud of this? Absolutely not, but it makes sense to multitask and, at this point in the week, we’ll probably be wearing a Hosmer jersey and screaming about how George Brett was the “best ever.” What can we say? We love an underdog almost as much as we hate a stadium (AT&T Park) with a Build-a-Bear in the outfield. Homefield advantage our ass.
Jim Carrey is hosting SNL! Good for him. We’ll be tuned into the series, which we predict (boldy, one might say) will be tied. Also, we’ve got to really dig through the waiver wire to replace Victor Cruz. Is Devin Hester’s hamstring alright? Is Stevie Johnson going to start? These are the questions that keep us up nights.
Photos by Thomas B. Shea / Getty Images