Who Will Save Bill Maher’s Soul?

The Real Time host and star of the upcoming documentary Religulous answers questions about death.

So how do you want to go?
Out in nature, among the wild things, from a clean shot by Dick Cheney.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?
I faked all my orgasms.

Will you be going to heaven or hell?
That depends. Wherever Gary Busey is going, I’m going the other way.

Is there political correctness in heaven?
Yes, you can’t even mention that blacks arrived 20 minutes late.

Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
Mini-Me. I never liked that little person. No one ever calls him out on it, because he’s so short.

Your new documentary, Religulous, is critical of religion. What was the most far-fetched belief you heard someone hold about the afterlife?
That you don’t make it there if you mastur­bate. Or didn’t eat fish on Friday. Or if you mastur­bated a fish on Friday.

Who would you assemble in the afterlife for a very special panel of Real Time With Bill Maher?
Hitler, Jesus, and Thomas Jefferson. Oh, and Jessica Alba, of course.

What do you think happens to you when you die?
You get the GOP nomination for president.

How will you spend your ideal afterlife?
Getting stoned and watching Flavor of Love. Wait, that’s how I spend my ideal afternoon.

What song plays as you die?
“A Whiter Shade of Pale,” by Procol Harum.

Name one thing you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on earth.

If you could come back from the dead and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be?
George W. Bush, because he did it to me.

What is your proudest accomplishment?
Losing my religion.

Describe your Funeral.
Woodstock—without Sha Na Na.

What’s your last meal?
Freshly masturbated fish.

Got any last words?
“What was that all about?”