Wizards That Could Kick Harry Potter’s Ass
Watch out, Harry, these wand-wielding veterans aren’t afraid to hit a guy with glasses.
Who is he? The charming old geezer otherwise known as Don Herbert spent the vast majority of his life on TV showing kids how to do science experiments with household crap. Then he died.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: In the time it would take Harry to check the latest Quidditch scores, the crafty ol’ Mr. Wizard could turn some icy hot, half a bottle of mouthwash and a single cough drop into a whole bathtub full of napalm. Let’s see Harry’s little cape protect him from that.
The Grand Wizard of the KKK
Who is he? We didn’t look up his name because we don’t need to be on any more government lists, but the Grand Wizard is the head of the KKK.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: Harry’s robes have more magic powers and less grease stains, but that’s not enough to make up for the fiery ball of misguided hatred the leader of the KKK has burning in his beer gut. Make it an IQ test, though, and it’s a whole different story.
It’s not really fair to make a single nerdy teen fight an entire team of finely tuned professional athletes, but we thought it would be nice if the Wizards got a chance to beat something for once. The only way we can see the Wizards losing is if they end up meeting in the second round of the Playoffs.
Nobody Beats The Wiz
What is it? A New York?based electronics store that was mentioned on Seinfeld.
Why it could beat up Harry Potter: The evidence is right there in the name of the store: Nobody Beats The Wiz. Nobody! Well, as long as you don’t count Best Buy, Circuit City, and the rest of the big-box electronics stores that almost ran them out of business. But unless Harry finds a way to offer name-brand gadgets for rock-bottom prices, they should be fine.
Who is he? Gandalf helped Sam and Frodo haul their hairy asses across Middle Earth in The Lord of the Rings. But you already knew that.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: Watch the beginning of The Two Towers, where Gandalf tears up a huge flaming Balrog and then try to tell us that Harry Potter is more of a tough guy.
The weird kid from the movie The Wizard
Who is he? Played by Luke Edwards, Jimmy “The Wizard” Woods was the ultimate NES badass in Nintendo’s 1989 movie/commercial for Super Mario Bros. 3.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: Jimmy may have been slightly autistic (or at least he certainly seemed like it), but he had enough strength in his thumbs alone to send Harry running back into Ron’s red-haired arms. We can’t even think of how bad it would get if Jimmy slapped on a pair of Power Gloves. They’re so bad.
Who is he? A&E’s resident magic man freaks out Las Vegas tourists by levitating, disappearing, and making coins appear out of just about every bodily orifice you can think of.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: If you’ve ever seen his billboards or watched an entire episode of his show, then you know that Chris could probably smash Harry’s glasses between his well-defined and unexplainably oily ab muscles. The only way Potter would have a chance is if he enlisted the help of David Blaine, but he’s probably too busy doing a stunt that requires him to wait in a really long line or something equally as boring.
Merlin from Gauntlet
Who is he? Clad in yellow robes, Merlin plows his way through level after mind-numbing level in one of the least fun arcade games of all time.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: First of all, Merlin is two-dimensional, so all he’d have to do is turn sideways and he’d be almost unhittable. Plus, if Harry actually managed to do some damage, Merlin could bust out a huge health-restoring chicken and save his own ass.
Ozzie “The Wizard of Oz” Smith
Who is he? Ozzy’s 18-year career as an MLB shortstop was enough to land his backflippin’ ass a spot in the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: Have you ever tried to do a backflip? We did once in gym class and ended up a full two-inches shorter than we were before. Ozzie used to do them for fun on the field, which should indicate the kind of shape he was in from playing a real sport. Quidditch, on the other hand, is just above fishing and just below bowling on the sports hierarchy.
Microsoft Internet Connection Wizard
What is it? A series of dialog boxes intended to help n00bz make their way onto the Internet, where they’ll fall for Nigerian banking scams and fake eBay e-mails.
Why it could beat up Harry Potter: Since it doesn’t have arms, legs, a body, or any of that other stuff used in traditional fights, Bill Gates’ tricky Wizard will have to use the same psychologically crushing technique it has been using to make new PC buyers crazy for years. Six hours of looking at this thing without being able to figure out how to get onto the Web and he’ll be begging for mercy.
The Wizard from Deadliest Catch
Who is he? Captain Keith Colburn and his crew spend the long, brutal crab fishing seasons aboard this mighty vessel, which can stand up to huge waves, frigid temperatures, and a whole pile of stinky bearded dudes.
Why he could beat up Harry Potter: It all comes down to one simple fact: British people can’t swim.
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