During the 1980s many NFL teams, like the Chicago Bears ("The Super Bowl Shuffle"), thought it would be a great idea to make a music video about their awesomeness. The formula was simple: Get a drum machine, throw in a guitar or horn solo, and have the players say their name, position, and rhyme something with it…anything with it. Then make sure everyone does the exact same horrible dance move. The result, looking back two decades later, is a group of videos that shows us just how prevalent cocaine was in the 1980s. Here now, is the worst of the worst.
“Let’s Ram It” by L.A. Rams
This video would never make it past the NFL’s PR people today. The whole damn song is sexual innuendo. They’re actually saying, “If you ram it just right, you can ram it all night.” Seriously.
Worst Line: “I like to ram it as you can see. ‘Cause nobody likes ramming more than me.”
“Cause the Blue Is On A Roll” by Seattle Seahawks
This one starts off like an after-school special inside the locker room. Set to a “Yakety Sax”-type music track, this is so bad it makes “The Super Bowl Shuffle” sound like a track off The Beatles’ White Album.
Worst Line: “We’re working hard to reach our goal…and the Blue Wave is on a roll.”
“Silver and Black Attack” by Los Angeles Raiders
Here’s the chorus, apparently written by a third-grader: “We wear the silver, we wear the black, we never retreat, we always attack.” It also includes a ridiculous guitar solo and footage from their games.
Worst Lines:(from Howie Long) “This Long’s not short of quarterback sacks, and I love to sit on those running backs.”
“Buddy’s Watchin’ You” by Philadelphia Eagles
The team crams into the recording studio for this ditty, whose title is a tip of the hat to coach Buddy Ryan. It features the worst lines EVER in the history of recorded music, courtesy of kicker Luis Zendejas. (See below) Shockingly, there’s no guitar solo.
Worst Lines: “Luis Zendejas, I kick field goals. Am I nervous? Yeah, I suppose. To win the game by hitting the mark. This game’s over before it starts.”
“Team of the Eighties” by San Francisco 49ers
We’ve calculated the production budget on this one. It’s about $4.52. And don’t be lulled into a false sense that there’s no guitar solo. It takes 4 minutes, but it’s there.
Worst Line: “We’re unstoppable. Remarkable. More famous than Cosby and the Huxtables.”