It’s winter, the time of year when you’re constantly in search for something hot—a mug of rummy punch, a hot babe to keep you warm by a sizzling fire, a hot babe to keep you warm on top of a bearskin rug…or, if you’re alone, a hot video to watch when you’re snuggled alone under your electric blanket, clinging to your body pillow, in need of a little excitement.
If you’re looking for porn, we can’t help you there. (Seriously, bro, you should know where to find that.) But there are a whole lot of videos on the internet that boast supreme hotness without showing explicit sex acts—and they are a true gift. We’ve rounded some of them up for you, dear reader, to keep you warm over the months to come.
Anyone who tells you that this is not the hottest, sexiest, best music video in the history of time is wrong, full stop, and doesn’t even deserve these four minutes of pure ecstasy. It’s the sort of thing that will make you not just excited (like, in your pants) but also grateful to be a human with hormones and a sex drive. Ciara looks like she’s going to kick your ass or bone you like you’ve never been boned before or both. Either way, you’ll like it, because it’s Ciara, whose swagger can move mountains and whose abs can cut steel. All Luda can do is just sit at her feet. He should be so lucky.
I’d suggest this as foreplay for your next date but I don’t think you could make it all the way through without taking your date’s clothes off and you really should sit through the whole thing.
The “Call On Me” video: it’s a classic! There are women in spandex thongs! They’re dancing to upbeat music! There’s so much thrusting! Sometimes you need something hot because it’s winter and you’re sad, and this will remind you of warmer happier months when everyone’s wearing less clothing and we’re all outside, sweating and turning each other on. It’s conventionally hot in a way that’s almost campy, but still truly delightful. They might as well call it “Call On Me—If You Want a Hot Video.”
The previous entries win points for their high production value and excellent choreography, but it’s also possible to get boned up from this Pepsi commercial from 1991 because it’s pure Americana — think white tank top-with-blue jeans hotness. It’s hot like Sandra from summer camp was hot when you were in high school and you dreamt of owning a car she could some day jump into gracefully, and then you’d drive off into the sunset listening to White Snake, and you would definitely smooch and maybe even touch her boobs.
Wow! This video is hot. Three hours of uninterrupted hotness. What’s hotter than wood logs burning for 180 minutes, crackling like the fire in your loins? If this doesn’t get you horned up, nothing will!
This one’s a scorcher! Seriously, grab the SPF before you fire up this video! Even better, just go outside! Look directly at the sun! Let it burn you! Yeah, baby, that’s hot.
Still confused? Check out the other installments of You Asked here.