5 Apps for Sexy Time
Whether your bedroom persona is freakish or sheepish, chances are there’s an app for that.
Here’s a super-sanitary idea: Turn your mobile phone into a vibrator. Seriously. Use Sexy Vibes to create vibration patterns and send them to your partner’s phone, or just engage in weird remote vibrator sex with an anonymous stranger through the app’s “smart matching service.” When you’re all done, simply sterilize your phone with rubbing alcohol and reevaluate your life.
Spicy Sex Wheel
Want to get really weird in the sack without her knowing what a pervert you are? Then the Spicy Sex Wheel is your ultimate wingman! Here’s how it works: Spin the wheel, perform the sexual act. Dunzo. You can also add new tasks, which means you’ll never have to casually suggest doing anal ever again. “SPICY SEX WHEEL SAID WE HAVE TO, SORRY!”
Track your performance in bed with this data tracking app, which analyzes info about your sexual encounters to reveal trends, like how often you’re getting laid and how long you last. It will even analyze how loud you and your partner get while performing the act. And we all know that volume is directly proportional to enjoyment.
Discover a brave new world of sex with iKamasutra, which offers illustrations and step-by-step instructions for achieving a variety of complicated sexual positions previously reserved for wealthy businessmen and the women they paid to have sex with them. Shake the phone to choose a new position at random, and track your progress from novice to Kama Sutra Grand Master. Share new positions you’d like to try with your partner via email directly through the app – and be sure to send it to her work email and mark as urgent. Chicks love that.
Black Book App
If you’re the world’s biggest douche, then you’ll love this digital journal that records the details of your sexual escapades, including the name, picture, and contact info for each notch on your bedpost, because come on, you can’t be expected to keep track of all that shit, bro. You can also give each encounter a “pleasure rating” of up to five stars and note other relevant info, like how trashed you were during the encounter, whether you used a condom, and whether you had an orgasm. The only data you won’t need to enter is whether you’re going to hell, because, obviously.
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