The 5 Coolest Lasers You Can Actually Buy

Sadly, none are frickin’ attached to a shark’s head.

Wicked Lasers Spyder III Arctic Handheld Laser, $299.00-$599.00

This thing is frighteningly powerful. According to the maniacs at Wicked Lasers, the 2W version of the Arctic is the most powerful handheld laser in the world, and I’m not going to argue – they might vaporize me. It’s beautifully machined from knurled T6 Aircraft-Grade Aluminum, and looks and feels exactly like a light saber (trust me, I KNOW). It burns when I point it at my skin – thankfully, it shipped with protective eyewear, or I’d be using a braille keyboard right now. Use it to pop balloons from a distance, burn stuff, signal alien spacecraft…it’s all good.

The Chauvet Scorpion Storm FXGB$249.99

Ridiculously mesmerizing, Chauvet crammed a funky, professional club-quality laser show in a package the size of a shoebox, with all the settings and features DJs would expect. Don’t let the pink color fool you: This laser’s all man. Break one of these out at a party, and watch what happens. Add music, a little fog, and bam, you’re DeadMau5! It’s got a ton of different shows, multi-colored lasers, and DMX connectors to program and synchronize the Scorpion with other effects. The music feature is extra cool – it automatically sets the laser show to the beat of the music, which sucks when James Taylor is playing, but then, everything sucks when James Taylor is playing.

The Chauvet Min Laser FX 2.0 Mini Laser Light Show$119.99

Size doesn’t matter. I swear. The Min Laser is tiny – about the size of a paperback book (remember those?) – but this thing blasts out a pro-quality show, both trippy and surprising. Don’t let the low cost and size fool you – this little guy pumps out a series of impressive shows, with multi-colored lasers and effects. It sets up on the included tripod in 30 seconds, and you’re off to trippyland. It’s even got a remote: laser + remote = geek-gasm! The credit card-sized remote allows you to customize the laser show from a distance, letting you choose laser colors, effects, and on and on! EDM fans unite – this is so much better than cheesy glow sticks. It even works without fog…but seriously, who would want to?

Wicked Lasers Evo Handheld Laser$149.95

Someone had to do it. The Wicked Laser people upped the game with the Evo – the world’s first open-source, programmable, hackable laser that you control with your smartphone. It’s just like the laser in Spies Like Us, minus the underground base and smoking hot fake-Russian chicks. Connect the laser to your smartphone (splooge!) with Bluetooth and you’ve got a remote control laser. Say it with me: A remote control LASER. If you’re a super hacker (Me! ME!), use the developer kit to create additional apps and control the laser like a boss. It’s basically a DIY evil scientist kit in a box – use the Morse code feature when you’re stranded on a desert island, or make the laser pulse to music. Now all you need is an underground base. And some hot Russian chicks.

The Chauvet Geyser RGB$399.00

Bring some epic to the party! The geniuses at Chauvet decided to combine a fog-storm-blasting, jet-like machine with 21 high-powered LEDs – it’s the Frankenstein of fog machines! The effect looks like a burst of flames directly from Satan’s solo tour. You can configure the LEDs to almost any color, and they’re timed to blast with the fog or use the included remote. It’s essentially a box of awesome, and the perfect device to punch that legendary guitar solo, or end an argument with a blast. It makes a 25ft column of LED-lit fog…I don’t think you’re ready for how cool you’ll look walking in slow motion in red, illuminated mist. Everyone needs one.