CES 2014: Anti-Establishment Technology

Damn the Man, save yourself!

1984? Yeah right, man. Orwell is alive and well right now. While CES – that’s the Consumers Electronics Show, for the uninitiated – is taking place in Vegas, debuting all sorts of gadgets and gear designed to keep you a cog in the machine, we’ve collected our favorite new gizmos to help free you from the shackles of the establishment. So go, little snowflake, and never stop being the original and unique work of art that you are. Or some such bullshit.

TiVO’s Hopper and Wireless “Joey”

Fuck commercials right in the ear. When CBS is suing TiVO over this technology, you know it’s something we want in our living room. Oh, and thanks to the Joey we’ll watch our recorded shows on any TV in the house, not just the one with the DVR connected. Freedom!

PlayStation Now

1,2,3,4, we don’t want no console war. Instead, we’ll jump on this subscription service that’ll pump PlayStation’s extensive back catalog to TV’s, tablets, and smartphones (and PS4, PS3, and PSVita, too).

Induct’s Navia Driverless Car

Induct’s big CES announcement basically amounts to a shuttle that goes 12.5 mph, but you know this is just the first step toward totally driverless sports cars. Who you gonna give that speeding ticket to now, pig?

MakerBot Mini 3D Printer

Try and take our guns, and we’ll just print new ones, right in our homes. Or, you know, like, utensils and tools and doorknobs and stuff would be cool, too. Take that, Home Depot!

Toyota’s Hydrogen Fuel Cell Car

Out, out, tyrannical gas companies! BP can suck our collective dick.

Innovega’s Augmented Reality Contact Lenses

The days of getting a ticket for checking Facebook while driving are over – or they will be, once we get our eyeballs on these AR contact lenses and start beaming social media directly into our retinas. You can take our freedom, but you’ll never take our newsfeeds!

Orbotix Sphero2B Robot

Trading our current, intrusive human overlords for robot overlords certainly feels like the lesser of two evils at the moment. At least with Sphero’s latest DIY robot, you can program the machines to do your bidding. You know, until they gain sentience and enslave all of us, that is.

Transporter Personal Cloud Storage

Wanna share files with friends but worried about who’s able to poke around in your cloud? The Transporter system is your own personal cloud system that lets you keep files on a physical, external hard drive on your home network and control who has access to them.

Oculus RiftVirtual Reality Headset

We don’t need the bleak reality of a world where we have to pay taxes and work for a living. We’ll use the futuristic Oculus Rift headset to create a new reality. One that’s full of blackjack and hookers.