The New Bro Meet-Up App Wolfpack Is Even Sadder Than It Sounds

When they talk about the decline of the American man, this is precisely what they’re talking about.

So, hear us out, there’s this new app called Wolfpack. It’s basically OKCupid for bros, an online social network where lonely guys can link up with other lonely guys and make plans to – I don’t know – go share a plate of boneless buffalo wings or hit up Dave & Busters. It’s so ridiculous that even the company’s description can’t make it sound plausible. Here’s their marketing team’s noble attempt:  “Users can create groups, also known as a wolfpack, and can either create their own event for guys to join or they can join an event that has already been made. Whether guys are looking for friends because they are new to the area, want to expand their social circle or even just spice up their regular routine, the wolfpack app is the perfect tool for bros everywhere.”

We’ll say this, the Wolfpackers in our neighborhood – one whom has a banner image of a pot leaf but might not be a deal and another who is unironically proud of a pic in which he’s holding a sunflower while standing with his girlfriend at some art event – seem fine. They’re probably nice. We’ll never know.

While this sounds as soul-strangling an idea as ever, the company recently released an incredible marketing video that provides a glimpse into what an awesome life you’d lead if you belong to a Wolfpack. Perks include: not being sad anymore, receiving a playing card from the bra strap of a comely bartender, sniffing expensive cigars, hanging out on rooftops and playing poker on private planes.

I don’t know what I like more: the pouting and elegaic music at the beginning or the addition of every beer commercial cliche imaginable thereafter. It’s like someone wrote an SNL skit but removed any dialogue and added crappy inspirational guitar instead.

Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather join a rec softball league and grab a beer with some teammates rather than comb the depths of this soul-crushing creation. Online dating is bad enough.