10 Reasons You Should Never Take Dating Advice From Your Co-Workers

Reason #11: They just forwarded you this article.

1. You Don’t Like Your Co-Workers Or Respect Their Opinions

So…why are you even asking for their advice? It’s not like you’re actually going to listen. Look around: Timothy is currently clipping his nails and “hiding” them in his desk drawer. He thinks he’s being discreet – he’s not. You’re going to get dating advice from that? Yeah, no. You’re better off Googling, “How date girl?”

2. Sadly, You Might Be The Most “Together” Out of Your Co-Workers

It’s true. You should be dishing out the advice, not the other way around. Seriously, compared to some of these buttholes, you are the male Meryl Streep, oozing with wisdom from years of living. You glide into that office every morning with grace and ease, your hair perfectly quaffed as if the morning dew kissed every one of your hair follicles. Alright, so, none of that’s true, but do you really think anyone in your office knows what they’re talking about any more than you do? At least you still remember how to have fun, while Brian in accounts has been 55-years-old since at least his second birthday. Screw those guys!

3. Some of Your Co-Workers Might Want to Date You

It’s possible, right? And guess what? Everyone else is out to sabotage you. They will mess up your dating life with lies and bad advice to clear the way for their own attempt at rough sex with Mandy from HR on top of the photocopier. So run. Run as fast as you can, and never look back. Except you, Timothy. No one wants to date you.

Photo: iStockphoto.com | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

4. “Work You” is Nothing Like “Rest-of-Your-Life You”

We’ve all got our little issues we try to hide from society – especially the society that we coexist with in cubicles – and that means that even apparently sensible advice from co-workers is going to be meaningless to the version of you that actually goes on dates. “Employee-Of-The-Month-Pencil-Pushing-Brown-Nosing-To-The-Boss You” is not the “you” that needs advice; he’s already set – it’s the “Drank-Too-Much-Need-To-Stop-Texting-My-Ex-During-The-VMAs-Did-I-Just-Shart? You” that needs the help.

5. You Want to Date One of Your Co-Workers, but Not the One You are Currently Dating

Discretion doesn’t seem to be one of your strengths. If that were the case, you wouldn’t be openly asking for dating advice from your co-workers, while you are currently dating one of them. Did you learn nothing from Jim Halpert? You don’t get to date Pam while dating Karen – you made your choice, now deal with the consequences. Or just break up with the one, and awkwardly rebuild the relationship with the other. It may take years, but stop talking to your fellow workers about it! You are ruining your chances by doing so.

6. Your Co-Workers Hate You, and Basically Want You to Fail

Sorry to bust that bubble there, champ: They want you to fail. Miserably. Let’s get real here – these people aren’t your friends, they are your co-workers, and they want to (and will) bring you down by any means necessary. No one needs a low-blow as they’re walking into the bosses office for an impromptu “meeting,” so don’t give them any more ammunition than they already have.

Photo: iStockphoto.com | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014

7. The Two Co-Workers That Don’t Hate You Are Socially Inept

There’s a caste system in this world, and they are at the bottom…for a reason. They mean well, but when it comes to dating and relationship advice, being in-tune with normal social cues is an absolute necessity. So, just walk away from Timothy’s desk and cut your losses now (God, we hate Timothy).

8. Your Co-Workers Do NOT Need To Know About Your Weird Sex Life

Your personal sex closet really needs to stay your personal sex closet (especially if you actually have a literal personal sex closet). Once your current girlfriend finds out you’re trying to drop her for another girl in the same office, your kinky sex fetishes are going to be the next water cooler gossip real quick. And that, friend, is why we don’t shit where we eat, so let’s keep that sex door safe and sealed. Metaphorically! Oh God, please don’t seal a woman in your personal sex closet; she won’t be able to breathe.

9. No One Needs to Know How Desperate You Really Are

You must show no weakness! Think of the end game here – you want to be their boss one day, right? Right. Confiding in a fellow co-worker that you normally wouldn’t even speak to about something so personal just screams desperation, and that’s something they’ll be able to hold over you forever. Let’s just ball up any emotions you once had at work, and get your job done. Save the desperation for the people who truly love you, like Papa John.

10. You Don’t Want Your Co-Workers Finding Your OkCupid Profile

OkCupid profiles have become the new Facebook profiles, in the sense that you want to avoid your co-workers on such accounts by any means necessary. Any speak of dating advice invites the question of, “Well have you tried online dating?” And when you say yes, that co-worker is going to Google you faster than the FBI after that time you accidentally searched “how to make a bomb” when you were actually just trying to build a device for inhaling your weed faster. At the end of the day, work and relationships just don’t mix, even on the interwebs. You say a lot of personal stuff on your OkCupid account, so just keep that between you and JaneBlonde2010. It’s already weird enough between you and Timothy.

To see why you REALLY shouldn’t take dating advice from co-workers, catch the new season on “Men at Work” on TBS on Jan 15th 10/9c.

Photos by iStockphoto.com | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014