10 Red Flags to Watch Out For in a Significant Other

Is your date a keeper or a creeper? Sorry for the last sentence.

Some women you need to avoid like the plague. The fine folks at 100 Red Flags have shared with us their warning signs for possible V-day disaster dates. And we supplied our own Green Flags to show you which girls you should aim for. Please print out this list of Red Flags for your own personal protection.

Red Flag: She’s a flirt.

Nothing is worse than spending a bunch of money on a girl and then watching her flirt with the waiter all night. Unless the waiter is a girl…

Green Flag: She’s normal.

When describing herself, she never uses any of the following clichés, prefaced with “I’m a bit of a…”

Grammar Nazi


History Buff

Halloween nut (a.k.a Halloweenie)

Theater Geek

Band Geek

Music Geek


Kite Enthusiast


Railroad Tycoon

Horse Maniac

Matthew McConaughey Aficionado


Red Flag: She says she doesn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s Day.

You’re screwed. This girl definitely wants you to plan something and is just playing mind games. You could guess correctly and pick something fun, but unless the evening ends in hot air balloons piloted by unicorns, prepare to deal with drama.

Green Flag: She says she doesn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s Day…in a French accent…while seductively smelling an ice cream sandwich…in the tub…

(Editor’s Note: This entry originally went on for seven pages and included several mentions of yoga positions and one very detailed sound effect.)

Red Flag: She has a child.

Not only will you be paying for dinner, but you might be going half-sies on the babysitter who may actually be hotter than your date.

Green Flag: She has a child…named Donuts.

Isn’t that the best name for a fat little kid? “Come on, Donuts! Time to play catch, Donuts!” Such a great name. Marry this girl. 

Red Flag: She just got out of a serious relationship.

A girl on the rebound during Valentine’s Day season is just a ticking time bomb waiting to burst into tears at the dinner table as she reminisces about V-Days past with her ex.

Green Flag: She just got out of submarine.

Poor thing has been stuck in a metal tube for weeks serving on a girls-only vessel. She’s going to need a tension release after all that time under the ocean. And yes, there are girls-only submarines in our nation’s fleet, according to this drawing we made. (Please notice in the drawing that the pillow room is also the shower room, next to the jetpack parking garage.)

Red Flag: She demands a nice restaurant.

You’re living in her fairy tale now, and it involves flowers, chocolates, jewelry, limos, and Michelin rated restaurants. Grab some beers, stay at home, and go to sleep. That’s more fun than she’ll ever be.

Green Flag: She has a favorite Gremlin.

And it isn’t even an obvious choice like Spike or Stripe. The girl digs deep and comes up with, “That electrical one from Gremlins 2: The New Batch.”  Keep her.

Red Flag: She doesn’t have any good-looking friends.

This is always a red flag, but on February 14th her “good personality” friends are going to ruin your girl’s fun by way of a bunch of depressing text messages. Your date will feel guilty and say, “I have to go help Jen. She’s…well…she needs me. Thanks for the lobster and diamonds. I’ll call you.”

Green Flag: She read the above paragraph and giggled while shaking her head.

If she didn’t get angry or call you a misogynist, then the deal is all but completed.

Red Flag: She’s a flake.

The last thing you want to do is be sitting at a candlelit table for two at a nice restaurant and then get a text that says, “So sorry, feelin sick, can’t make it. c u soon! xoxo.”

Green Flag: She doesn’t own a cell phone.

Wouldn’t that be great? Sadly, such a women doesn’t exist in America, unless you want to date our Aunt. She makes her own cinnamon! (We mean that literally and as a euphemism.)

Red Flag: She’s a workaholic.

She’ll show up late because “she had a client presentation,” she’ll spend the whole night talking about her job (which is probably accounting-related), and there’s no way you’re staying out late because she has an early morning conference call.

Green Flag: She works at Pixar and is in charge of the “Magical Story Telling Dept.” And she also is an amateur nurse and crime fighter. And part-time lottery winner/tattoo artist.

Yes, that’s a busy schedule to maintain, but the perks are worth it.

Final Tip For Women Only: Say “wheelbarrow.”

Attention ladies: This is the codeword we just thought up. If you think the guy you’re with is super great and would like to see how he does things naked, say “wheelbarrow” before midnight so that there will be no mixed signals. Got it? Wheelbarrow. (Guys, you’re welcome.)

For more visit the 100 Red Flags site.