100 Easiest Jobs

While you’re working in the coal mines, dream about having one of these cushy vocations.

You need a new gig, but no job is perfect. You may think working at a hot, sexy website is easy. But we’re sure the guys who work at Oreos.com say differently. With the economy still toppled, it may be time to find a new line of work. Where to start? Activate your resume-writing program and apply to these easy-peasy occupations.

1.       Wheel of Fortune Writer

Typical Day…

WRITER 1: How about “Basketball Player” for puzzle #4?

WRITER 2: Or maybe “Basketball Players.” The extra S will spice things up.  

WRITER 1: Perfect! Huzzah!

WRITER 2: Let’s leave work early and watch Shallow Hal.

TROY: Can I come too?  

WRITER 2: Dammit, Troy! Not until you finish puzzle #7!

TROY: Hmm. I got it! “Martin Short…Sleeve Shirt”!

WRITER 1: You are the Shakespeare of our time, Troy…

And with that, the workday ended.

2. Trumpet Player

Come on! Three keys to press? That’s it? The pianist has to wiggle his fingers across 88 musical buttons. That’s like 29 trumpets! And that doesn’t even count those three pedals at the bottom. Trumpet players are slackers.

3. Funny Car Driver

The car does all the work. Loving a Funny Car driver is like admiring the air inside a balloon. Plus, the race is over in 8 seconds. If these guys take a half-day, that’s 4 seconds of work! Banker’s hours indeed.

4. Steven Spielberg’s Butler

Steve’s a busy guy lately. He ended last year by directing Tin-Tin and War Horse, and in 2012 he’s producing The River, Smash, and Terra Nova for the small screen; Men in Black 3, Lincoln, and When World’s Collide for the big screen. And he’s directing Lincoln and Robopocalypse. Needless to say, he’s not home much these days. And that means his butler is free to hang out in the pool house, which Steve probably calls “The House that Hook Built.”

5. Cat Toy Manufacturer

Anything can be a cat toy. Anything. Cats will play with dust, ribbon, ghosts, garbage, shadows and molecules of air. Glue a feather on a nickel and you’ll have a cat toy.  

6. Trumpet Teacher

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who teach must be real dumb and lazy. It’s just three buttons!

7. Librarian

Yes, they still exist. But their main job is to say, “Here, let me look that up for you on the computer,” and, “Please don’t tell anyone what happened. Promise?”

8. Salt Miner

It’s a tough job…or is it? If mining salt is so difficult, why do restaurants just give it away at your table? They don’t give away King Crab legs, do they?

9. Jet Salesman

Selling aircraft may seem difficult, but since each unit can cost in the seven-figure range, a jet salesman need to sell only one or two a year.

10. Astronaut

Since the manned missions to space are on hold, what do these men and women do all day besides brag to others, “You know what the weirdest thing about living in space is? No, of course you wouldn’t. You never left Earth. Ha!”

11. Professional Roulette Player

It’s simple: If the ball lands on red, then obviously it will probably land on black after the next spin. And then you’ll get two red spins. And then three blacks. Then it lands on 18. Duh.

12. Private Detective

There was a time when Dicks were cool and dangerous. Only they had the high-tech wizardry needed to spy on cheating husbands and missing heiresses. But now all you need to be a sleuth is a cell phone with some handy apps. The Case of the Scarlet Dolphin can be solved with a Facebook message and Google Earth.

13. Pinecone People Maker

This isn’t a job, yet. But our idea is to stick googly eyes and felt clothing on pinecones and sell them at the craft bazaar. Because Etsy frowned upon our creations, this is the only way we can sell them. By the way, did we mention they’re extremely erotic in both appearance and odor?

14. Stadium Security Screeners

There’s no way in hell you can sneak contraband into a sporting event…unless you hide it near your shins, ankles, forearms, back, pockets, shoes, under a hat, beneath a jacket, or in a trash bag stuffed down your pants. We appreciate the effort from the security team, but two pats on the belly won’t exactly make the world a safer place.

15. Cooking Competition Judge

You tell people they can only make a dessert using cinnamon, napkins and rope and then bitch them out for twenty minutes because you didn’t enjoy the flavor? That’s not a job. That’s just as brutal, and easy, as fraternity hazing.

16. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Customer Support

It sure must suck to spend your entire workday hearing people congratulate you and your company on making an edible version of heaven.

17. Dot-to-Dot Book Author

“Yep. It’s a bicycle.”

18. Artist for Family Circus comic strip

By this point, don’t they have enough drawings of Jeffy, Billy, Dolly, the baby, the dad and the super sexy mom? We’re pretty sure the comic artists are simply tracing previous strips, or copying and pasting. And yes, we would do the mom. You would too. She’s a filthy, filthy temptress…

19. Drama Teacher

“Pretend you’re someone else. But more so…”

20. Saturday Night Live Announcer

The voice of Don Pardo is such a show staple that NBC flies Don from his home in Arizona to New York every week so he can be live in the studio to say important phrases such as “Kristen Wiig!” and the always great “With musical guest, The Black Eyed Peas!” That’s money well spent, NBC. While you’re handing out cash, can you buy us a new hat?

21. Opening Act for Bill Engvall

If they came to laugh at Bill’s unique look at the world, then they will also laugh if you stand on stage and sing a version of “Born in the U.S.A.” in which the word “born” is replaced with “corn.” Get it?! No? That’s a good thing.

22. Tight Rope Walker

Have you ever tried it? Probably not. There’s a good chance these performers are simply making it look difficult.

23. Third-Base Coach

They are living stoplights.  

24. Radiohead Band Member Who Isn’t Thom Yorke

These guys (or elves?) hold down a note on the Casio keyboard and the art-rock fans go nuts.

25. Thom Yorke

26. Prime Minister of Greenland

27. Bartender in Utah

28. Orchestra Conductor

29. Elevator Operator

30. Ghost Hunter

31. Ghost Rescuer

32. Forensic Ballerina

33. Wine Taster

34. Pinball Machine Appraiser

35. Understudy

36. Water Slide Namer

37. Lizard Groomer

38. Count

39. Vice Count

40. Candy Corn Artist

41. Shoe Tester

42. Professional Kite Boarder Judge

43. Wedding Drummer

44. The guy who writes the five-word program summaries for the TV channel selection screen

45. Gatherer

46. Greeting Card Writer

47. Giraffe Hunter/Slayer

48. Mailer Daemon

49. Pole Vaulting Coach

50. Pole Vaulting Assistant Coach

51. Actress in a headache relief commercial  

52. Stapler

53. Hershey’s Quality Assurance Associate

54. Phone Number Assigner

55. Rookie Gambler (Beginner’s luck makes him a guaranteed winner.)

56. Media Analyst

57. Children’s Author

58. Adult Film Script Supervisor

59. Pallbearer  

60. Gremlin Merchant

61. Trick-Or-Treater

62. Kiss-Cam Operator at Sporting Events

63. Lifeguard at the Olympics

64. Co-Creator

65. Knight

66. Prince

67. Princess

68. Queen

69. King

70. Mrs. Claus

71. Vlogger

72. Blogger

73. Animation Historian

74. Keanu Reeves’ Acting Coach

75. Thieving Roommate

76. Mafia Kingpin

77. Whatever Woody did on Cheers (That bar didn’t need 2 full-time bartenders and 2 full-time waitresses.)

78. High School Prom Committee Advisor

79. Adam Sandler’s Friend  

80. Invertebrate Veterinarian

81. Movie Critic

82. Food Critic

83. Hot Air Balloon Critic

84. Snarky List Writer

85. Husband of Natalie Portman

86. Autobiographer

87. Futurist

88. Undercover Firefighter

89. Sleep Scientist

90. Psychic

91. Lion Enrager

92. Undercover Poet

93. Basketball Court Mopper

94. Groom

95. Witness

96. Salad Chef (Anything with three ingredients can be a “salad.”)

97. Ant Breeder/Wrangler  

98. Crooked Police Officer

99. Crooked Astrologist

100. Wheel of Fortune Fact Checker