5 Amazing Adults-Only Retreats

Because children are the virus of travel.

Because children are the virus of travel.

Some hotels aren’t interested in catering to the baby-toting crowd, and we love ‘em for it. There should be more Adults-Only hotels that have strict “Must Be 18 or Older” rules…enforced by electric fence. It’s quite sexy. At least you know there’s no pee or chicken pox in the pool, right? (Well, let’s just assume.) Great for couples or groups of friends looking for a quieter getaway, these five amazing adults-only vacations will make you feel like Clint Easwood at the beginning of Gran Torino. But in the greatest way possible.

THE HOTEL: Fairmont Royal Pavilion — Barbados

Why We Love It: This romantic, colonial-style property is located right on a postcard-perfect stretch of sand and 11 acres of tropical grounds. The hotel lures couples with its fine dining options overlooking the sea, spacious rooms with plush king beds, and overall elegant atmosphere.

Favorite Adult Feature: Sip on a glass of world-class wine at the Palm Restaurant, as you’re finally given the chance to play Angry Birds without a jerky kid saying, “Can I have a turn? I’m good at it. You’re doing it wrong. You’re aiming wrong. Are you trying to lose? Why are your toes hairy?”

See more photos of the Fairmont Royal Pavilion

THE HOTEL: Secrets Marquis Los Cabos – Los Cabos, Mexico

Why We Love It: With its sleek, hacienda-style rooms, giant soaking tubs and serene vibe, the Secrets Marquis is ideal for those looking to get some relaxing ‘we’ time with their significant other. The nearest snotty-nosed kid will be miles away as you enjoy the hotel’s three pools, oceanfront spa and gorgeous beach.

Favorite Adult Feature: You won’t have to worry about kids running around — let alone peeing– in the hotel’s stunning infinity pool overlooking the glittering waters of the San Lucas Bay. However, you will need to bring your own Legos. Your sexy, sexy mature Legos. 

See more photos of the Secrets Marquis

THE HOTEL: Sandals Royal Plantation — Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Why We Love It: This quiet and classy property has 77 oceanfront rooms with dreamy, canopied beds, a gorgeous private beach, a golf course, the best food in all of Ochos Rios, and insanely attentive service.

Favorite Adult Feature: The Scents of Love Couples Massage, as cheesy as it may sound, is an aromatherapy treatment given in a private cabana on the beach. It’s a serious stress melter, but if the name is too dorky, just call it “Smelly Rubbin’.” It’s more manly.

See more photos of the Sandals Royal Plantation

THE HOTEL: Excellence Playa Mujeres – Cancun, Mexico

Why We Love It: Dozens of daily activities, a world-class spa, seven pools, nine restaurants, 11 bars, a yoga and Pilates studio, contemporary rooms with upscale amenities, and private terraces with day beds… What’s not to love about this hotel? Did we mention that children are shot on sight? (Or so the rumor we just invented suggests.)

Favorite Adult Feature: Every room features a private, round Jacuzzi with both indoor and outdoor access.

See more photos of the Excellence Playa Mujeres

THE HOTEL: Cambridge Beaches Resort & Spa – Bermuda

Why We Love It: This luxurious hotel is nestled in 30 acres of beautifully landscaped grounds that meet four private beaches, and features a spectacular spa, an acclaimed restaurant, a current lap pool, and airy rooms with beach-y décor. The best part? No kids at the beach watching Sponge Bob on portable DVD players or making sand castles that look like deformed camels having sex.

Favorite Adult Feature: The hotel’s private marina is operated by a company that offers boats for rent, day sailors and trips to impressive shipwrecks, which makes us wonder if there will ever be a tour of impressive tropical car wrecks.

See more photos of the Cambridge Beaches