5 Friends Your Girlfriend Probably Has…And How To Cope With Them

It’s your dating survival guide, and you’re going to need it.

Our relationship expert, Natalie Wall, gives you the most important survival guide of your dating life…

Guys, as you may have already experienced, we ladies tend to have lots of different kinds of friends, not all of whom we even like, but who we hang around with anyway because, well, lady-friendship can be complicated. What does this mean for you? Almost anything! That’s why I’m here to shed a little female perspective on the situation and help you figure out just what you’re supposed to do when faced with the following types of girl. Warning: Ladies can be very weird. God speed!

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THE MEAN FRIEND

The Signs:

She acts like a bitch, but only to you. She rolls her eyes when you try to engage the whole group in conversation. She screws her face up when you make a joke. If you’re ever left with just the two of you at the table, she’ll immediately ignore you in favor of her phone. In short: She’s just going to be super mean to you all night tonight, and every night for the foreseeable future. And if the mean friend is also your girlfriend’s BFF, or worse, her sister? Ohhh boy. Good luck, buddy.

What This Means For You:

Sorry – you just have to grin and bear it. There is literally no other way to handle this lady; if you come out with guns blazing, ready to fight back, it only fuels her fire, and since you’re the new guy, you’re the one who’s going to look like a dick. Frustrating, I know. But – and I know this is hard to remember – her intentions are actually good. Why? Because she’s making sure you aren’t a dick. No one’s perfect, we understand that. But due to your girlfriend’s past relationships with complete douchebags, the “mean friend” has taken it upon herself to make sure you’re going to act like an adult and treat her friend well. Eventually, if all goes well, she will not only stop being mean, she will actually become one of your staunchest allies. And if she judges you to have failed? Well, then it’s game over, man. Game over.

THE AWESOME FRIEND

The Signs:

This is the trickiest personality type to identity and to handle. Why? Because you are going to love her immediately, and not even realize that, in the words of everyone’s favorite rebel admiral, “It’s a trap!” The problem is, everyone loves her. She is the coolest person you will ever meet – she’s effortlessly pretty, ridiculously laid back, super nice, smart, funny, and it is literally impossible to hate her. She is loved by everyone – everyone – and you will be immediately attracted to her. She is also a sure sign of impending doom.

What This Means For You:

You will most likely feel the urge to sing her praises to your girlfriend within five seconds of meeting her, but you need to be very, very careful: If there was ever a test you needed to pass, it’s this one. The awesome friend makes your lady very insecure. Even the most confident ladies feel uneasy in her presence at times, and immediately talking about how cool the awesome friend is will put a crack of uncertainty into your relationship that will eventually grow and grow until the whole thing crumbles. So, play it safe, and hold back on any huge specific compliments for any of your lady’s friends. Stick to polite but vague phrases like, “You two get along so well!” or “I can see why you two are such good friends.” The more noncommittal you are in the beginning, the better. One last thing – if you’re planning on ditching your girlfriend for the awesome friend, forget it. She’ll never get with you – she’s loyal to your girlfriend, because she’s awesome!

THE FUNNY FRIEND

The Signs:

She’s hilarious, she’s self-deprecating, she gets your references – even when they’re to 20-year-old episodes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – and is always the first to suggest doing something ridiculous and, y’know, actually fun. She is also an amazing ally to have: If a badly phrased comment from you has threatened to turn the night sour, she’ll be the first to ease the tension in the room – even if it means throwing herself under the bus in some way – because she just wants everyone to get along and have a good time. More importantly, she knows when to stop joking, so if you’re not sure what the mood in the room is, you should look to her as your guide through the maze of potential shit-storms. This one’s got an aura of gold my friends, an aura of gold sprinkled with drops of Miller High Life. Cherish her.

What This Means For You:

Good news! Not all of your lady’s friends are here to test you. This friend is an asset for you, and more importantly, your relationship with your lady. Utilize her well-timed jokes instead of arguing about the quickest way to get to your local AMC theater during rush hour. You’re right, 95 North to Main Street is the quickest way, and the funny friend agrees, but come on, this is a stupid argument. Let her comments end the debate and shut your mouth, because this is also kind of a tiny test to see how stubborn you can be in unnecessarily volatile situations, like traffic. So just relax, laugh, and you’ll be fine.

THE FLIRTY FRIEND

The Signs:

Oh dear God…the flirty friend. If you’ve been dating for a significant portion of your life at this point, you should be able to recognize her siren calls immediately: The unnecessary personal space invasion; the laughing too loud at your jokes; the way the conversation always takes that weirdly inappropriate turn… Bottom line, the flirty friend is going to flirt with you, and she’s going to do it in such a masterful way  – always stopping just short of going too far – that if you raise any kind of objection, you’re going to look like an arrogant psychopath. She’s cunning, this one, and she spells “trouble” with a capital “Do you think this top makes my boobs look too big?”  

What This Means For You:

This could go one of two ways. The first option is, like the mean friend, she’s taken it upon herself to test you out for signs of infidelity, and she’s watching very closely to see if you respond to it. The second, even less desirable option, is that she’s actually just a terrible friend, and this is her ploy to passive-aggressively destroy your girlfriend’s self-esteem. Either way, you have to show the flirty friend that you are not so easily swayed by another female body. This is a precarious balancing act, since acting cold and aloof will also land you in hot water, so the best you can do is laugh off everything she says and involve someone else in the conversation as soon as humanly possible. If your girlfriend asks you later if you thought her friend was flirting with you, remain non-committal: You didn’t really notice, you thought she was a little drunk, maybe, but hey, you don’t even notice other girls anymore! And for the love of God, never, ever be the first one to bring it up. That, buddy, is suicide.

THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FRIEND

The Signs:

Of all the types listed here, this is the one that’s most likely to ruin your evening. Sure, she’ll start out nice – she seems fun, and she’s not said anything mean. But then you catch a glimpse of something early on – an offhand comment she takes personally, maybe, or an oddly casual reference she makes to some terrible incident in her past – and by the end of the night, the dysfunctional friend has gone bananas. Crazy drunk, crying, throwing up, screaming at strangers, getting in a fight – everything that you have absolutely no idea how to handle in a woman you barely know. And all of this will end with your girlfriend apologizing for not being able to come back to yours, because now she has to take the dysfunctional friend home and “make sure she’s alright.” Of all of them, this is the friend you will learn to loathe the most, because somehow, she manages to get into this state. Every. Single. Time.

What This Means For You:

This is a test on how well you handle weirdness. Do you shy away from weird? Do you become an asshole around weird? Or do you understand that everyone has got his or her weird stuff going on, and you’re cool with it? The more your lady sees you actively participating with her friends, no matter how crazy they may be, the more good things will come from it for you and your lady. Although if you subtly start suggesting more dates at places you know her friend hates going to, no one’s going to judge you for that…

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