5 Kinds Of People You Can Tell Suck In Bed Just By Looking At Them

Don’t worry, you’re not one of them. We hope.

Don’t worry, you’re not one of them. We hope.

Some of the signs of sexual inadequacy are subtle, but they are no less real. I’m not talking about unfortunately sized genitalia or bad breath. Instead, let’s look at other clues all around us, revealing the folks most likely to ruin your orgasms (and not in a good way, in case you’re into that sort of thing).

5. Women Who Use Umbrellas in the Snow

Hint: You can better tell if it’s snowing by removing your gloves first.

I see more and more women walking around with umbrellas in the snow these days. Then again, autism diagnoses are way up and I don’t think that’s a good thing either. Umbrellas are meant for the rain and nothing else (unless you’re a stylish English gentleman using it as a cane and occasionally making umbrella-accentuated gestures.) “But it’s really functional!” you say—which is weird because this is just an article and I can’t really hear you. Anyway, functionality isn’t an excuse. You don’t see anyone wearing those novelty beverage-holder hats inside a restaurant, even though that would clearly be more practical. Just because something works doesn’t make doing it acceptable. Which is why you don’t have sex with your secretary.

Why It Means They’re Terrible in Bed   

Women using umbrellas in the snow are too precious to be touched by… snow. That’s a bit ironic, because anyone who can’t stand the contact of a snowflake most certainly believes they are a precious little one themselves. Why not a hat? No, my hair. What about a wrap? No, my hair. What about nothing, it’s just SNOW! No, my hair. If a woman can’t be touched by snow, what are the odds of you being allowed to finish any way other than in a special embroidered silk purse she keeps on the side of the bed and disposes of after each unfortunate ejaculation she has to witness?

4. Men Who Hold Their Ears When Trains Brake

Pictured: Everyone who has ever sat next to us on the subway when we’re drunk, ever.

Trains are loud. Steel wheels on metal tracks will do that. And when they brake, they squeal. In the NYC subway system for example, this happens an estimated 16 gazillion times per minute. That’s just the deal. If you go underground and catch a train, you’ll hear this. You should expect this. Nevertheless, despite this inevitability, there is always at least one guy who puts his fingers in his ears and makes a face like he’s just been asked to accept a pinot noir from the year of the frost. Nut up, man: It’s a train. It screeches. Keep your hands at your sides like a grown up and get on board.

Why It Means They’re Terrible in Bed

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are loud in bed, and people you don’t want to be screwing. Anyone who thinks sex was designed for dignity hasn’t had a proper orgasm since that time they accidentally slipped in the shower while masturbating. Good sex is messy, undignified, loud, and pervy. The more likely a guy is to plug his ears at the sight of a train, the less likely you’ll be able to train him to plug you (that’s the way you like sex described, right, ladies?)

3. Guys Who Overly Enjoy Getting Their Shoes Shined

Fun fact: Both these photos were taken at our editor’s last birthday party.

Every now and again, I get a shoe shine. I guess I could do it myself, but those guys do it better. Plus, it’s pretty inexpensive, and I feel pretty good about supporting an earnest bunch of workers. Having said that, I don’t really get off on the creepy feeling of superiority it delivers. I mean, even if you’re not a jerk, you’re literally placing someone below you – you sit above them and they service you. I handle this by reading the paper, pretending it’s not happening, and tipping well afterwards. But some guys really seem to enjoy sitting all open legged with their backs up straight as they issue directions downward.

Why It Means They’re Terrible in Bed

Some might say, hey, this guy has the makings of a great dom! Incorrect. He has paid for this service and then imposed subservience on top of it. An actual dom would command the respect simply by his presence. Worse yet, this guy has bought the service for like five bucks and is feeling proud about it. You know what kind of guys spend money on things and then overly relish the feeling of power it creates? Men who can’t get women off.

2. People Who Don’t Give The Thank You Wave When You Let Them Into Traffic

This picture is much better if you imagine it’s a tiny-headed man with giant hands breaking an expensive dildo in half.

Not everyone on the road is an ass – at least not all the time. Occasionally, we go out of our way to let someone in line or waive our God-given right of way so someone can desperately cut across three lanes of traffic. When the spirit moves us, we expect just one thing in return: The thank you wave. You don’t even have to turn your head – just stick your hand up in front of your rear view mirror where we can see it. So simple and yet some drivers on the receiving ends of favors refuse to extend this basic courtesy, thereby taking our act of charity and converting it to an expected act of servitude.

Why It Means They’re Terrible in Bed

This one’s pretty obvious – someone who drives like their destination is more important than yours and isn’t even particularly grateful for your helping them get there isn’t going to be in the business of delivering lots of orgasms. Why would they? Sex is about their orgasms. They come first. Literally.

1. People Who Use Internet Speak All The Time

“Thank God, someone finally invented an emoticon for sharting.” 

Look, it’s the 21st century. Internet speak is a fact of life. BRB, LOL, LULZ, LMFAO, IDCIYWFMPSSMOICTC.  (“I don’t care if you write for Maxim, please stop sexting me or I’m calling the cops.”)  I accept that sometimes people are going to type in acronyms, but there has to be a limit. This is especially true in the case of superfluous acronyms – letters added to sentences that were perfectly fine without them: “That was really funny. LOL!!!!”  Or the “smiley face I’m just joking” indicator: “Yeah, you’re the biggest jerk ever. :)” Or any of the emoticons when people don’t know what to say:

The supermarket was out of pickles.


So I bought some cucumbers.


I bet you’d like me to sodomize you with one, wouldn’t you?


Couldn’t help but notice from the emoticon you use that you might be neurologically impaired?


Why It Means They’re Terrible in Bed

Well, a couple of reasons. For one, if they can only express themselves in emoticons, they probably lack the reading comprehension to even peruse Cosmo. Now how will they learn Cosmo’s big trick: “10 Secrets Your Boyfriend is Dying For That Are All Butt Stuff”? Or maybe they’re that person who just uses acronyms as markers unnecessarily emphasizing speech, in which case, they’re probably the kind of person who narrates sex: “Oh I’m so close, super close, yep that thing is good, keep doing that thing, no the other thing with the thing, I’m so close omg, O.M.G!!!” If this is the case, it’s actually perfectly legal to push them under a subway train. Er… :p?

*Photos by Istockphoto.com

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