The 5 Scariest Sex Toys
These are even freakier than that homemade Hermione Granger doll made of potatoes you keep under your bed.
These are even freakier than that homemade Hermione Granger doll made of potatoes you keep under your bed.
5. The Curve Male Chastity Belt($150)
There are some people who say the sexiest sensation is not being able to touch yourself at allâ and by âsome peopleâ, we mean âeunuchsâ. Still, there is apparently a market for men who want to be able to keep their junk literally under lock and key. Far be it from us to tell them how to get off, but was there really not a less terrifying method of restraining what are, after all, delicate parts of the anatomy? This thing looks like it was designed by Jigsaw as a punishment for, well, being into this sort of thing in the first place.
Most dubious line from the official description:
âThe slim lines make it easily worn under clothing.â
Person you know whoâs most likely to own this:
Your high school geography teacher.
4. Â Justine Joliâs Cyberskin Foot Job Stroker($83)
Everyone has feet, so it seems like an easy fetish to satiate. Just look down. And yet, thereâs this. How was this made? Hereâs a transcript:
Executive: Justine Joli! Good to see you. Pretzel?
Justine: No thanks, I just ate a foot-long. What did you want to see me about?
Executive: Well, we have a new range of sex toys coming out, and thereâs been a lot of demand for a product thatâs based on aâŚparticular part of your anatomy. So, weâd like to take a mold from you.
Justine: I see. So, youâd like to take a mold of my vagina?
Executive: Uh, not exactly.
Justine: My ass?
Executive: No.
Justine: Boobs?
Executive: *makes âwrong answerâ buzzer sound*
Justine: Itâs my mouth, then, right?
Executive: Getting colderâŚ
Justine: Wait â what the hell do they want, then? Itâs not my pancreas, is it?
Executive: They want your feet, Justine.
Justine: âŚ
Executive: You heard me. Men want to take a replica of your feet and stick their penises in it. Repeatedly. Apparently, they want to do this a lot.
Justine: âŚIâve lived too long.
Executive: Iâll take that as a yes, then?
He looks up to see an empty chair and the door closing.
Executive: Thatâs my girl.
Most dubious line from the official description:
âMade using Dual Density technology Justineâs feet feel ultra realistic as you worship her perfectly manicured pink toes.â
Person you know whoâs most likely to own this:
Your girlfriendâs dad.
3. 18â Fisting Dish Glove  ($60)
If the idea of being fisted wasnât already innately terrifying, how about being fisted by someone whose protective rubber glove extends well past the elbow? And how about a person who, as well as apparently getting turned on by the act of wearing you like a ventriloquistâs dummy, also has an obsession with dressing like a 1950s housewife? The only advantage: If someone found it in your house, you could explain it away as a specially designed glove for unblocking a clogged waste pipe. Which, really, isnât that far from the truth.
Most dubious line from the official description:
âNobody likes dish-pan handsâŚand the hands you get from some fisting work are even worse!â
Person you know whoâs most likely to own this:
Your mailman.
2. Â Male Latex Enema Pants ($120)
Unsatisfied with the enemas youâre currently receiving? The act of pissing yourself just not sexy enough anymore? Then you need to try the Male Latex Enema Pants! All the comfort of regular pants, except these allow you to urinate at will â on the bus, at your desk, hanging from the ceiling by metal hooks through your nipples, anywhere! â and then pump your waste fluids straight into your butt. Youâll soon forget what it was even like to not strap a hose to the end of your cock and piss up your own asshole!
Most dubious line from the official description:
âThese latex enema pants are great for when you have to go but there is nowhere to do it.â
Person you know whoâs most likely to own this:
Your local bankâs branch manager.
1. Concubine Masturbator ($103.75)
If you stare very hard at this thing, it looks a little bit like an alien fly with a wispy moustache. And that is the only, only possible way to look at it without screaming in terror at the mangled car crash horror before you. Itâs an insane tribute to manâs sexual indecision: âI want boobs! And I want a vagina! Right next to each other, so I can see them both at once! And â and the tip of another dudeâs penis? I guess?â Â Ah well. If nothing else, it might give DC some ideas about their next redesign of Catwoman.
Most dubious line from the official description:
âThey are very nice to hold and squeeze, and have cute perky nipples.â
Person you know whoâs most likely to own this:
That quiet neighbor who likes digging holes in his backyard in the middle of the night.