Here’s What to Say If You’re Busted Using Ashley Madison

Sometimes “Humina-humina” just isn’t going to cut it.

The recent hacking of the Ashley Madison website reportedly exposed the names and personal information of some 36 million of the site’s customers, mostly men lured by the promise of a secret extra-marital affair. That means approximately 36 million excuses and apologies are being hastily formulated this week.

Without some fast-talking on the part of cheating spouses, a number of romantic partnerships are at risk due to the disclosures. As firm believers in the sanctity of marriage, Maxim has put together a few talking points for outed Ashley Madison users. Good luck, fellas. 

The Moralist

“Wait, you actually searched for my email address in that data dump? Wow. Okay. Unbelievable. I mean, if that’s how much you trust me, clearly we have some serious problems in our relationship. So, let me get this straight. You literally thought so little of me that you actually just assumed I’d want to cheat on you. I mean, is this what we’ve come to? Is this what my love means? Why don’t you follow me around all day and put a GPS device in my shoe while you’re at it? I mean, honestly, I’m a little disgusted by the inference. Seriously. Shame on you. Shame.”

The Orwell

“See, this is what Edward Snowden has been talking about, the total lack of privacy in our society! The dystopian, Orwellian loss of anything resembling private space. And you know what? By doing your little web search and finding my name in this illegal data dump, you’re actually contributing to it. Good for you. You caught me in an indiscretion. But what you’ve actually done is far worse. Don’t you see that you are part of the problem? What kind of society do you want to live in?”

The Hopeless Romantic

“Okay, I’ll admit it. I signed up. But not because I was looking to cheat. I did it to remind myself why I would never cheat. Don’t you get that? Isn’t that obvious? It was a reality check—a way to reaffirm how good I really had it. Those supermodels and fit chicks and horny MILFS—they can’t hold a candle to you. It’s like you bought a pair of Uggs, right? And you said, ‘Whoa, are these the best possible Uggs at the best possible price?’ I know you’ve done that, I’ve seen it. And then you look on Zappos, and you’re like, ‘That was a really good deal, and now I feel better about my Uggs.’ Can’t you see? You are my Uggs, and I would never send you back.”

The Loverboy

“Oh, I can totally explain. See, I started out trying to do something nice for you for our anniversary. I know it’s six months away, but I was trying to be a better fiancé and I wound up reading a few articles on how to please a woman better and how I could improve my performance in bed. I wanted to make sure that I was really giving you the orgasm you deserve. And I mean, you know, practice makes perfect, they say. I just wanted to raise my game before pulling out the new moves. I can show you right now if you want?”

The Superspy

“Dammit! I knew it would come to this! Alright baby, sit down, I have a confession to make. It’s not pretty. Look, there’s a group of Ukrainian hackers I’ve been secretly battling for years—really bad guys. This is contract work. Counterintelligence. I’m not supposed to talk about it. Anyway, clearly I was doing some real damage. I did a reverse DDoS with a MYSQL query with an advanced database sniffer on the related function, along with some quick crosssite scripting on the command-level user base. That obviously got their attention! Naturally they chose to retaliate by going after my weakest spot, my love for you. These are some evil dudes, they’ll do anything to stop me. They know if I lost you, I’d be useless. But if we stick together, I know we can win this.”

The Hobbyist

“I feel as if there has been some confusion regarding my running club. Just so we can clear this up, you have to pay to train sometimes. I am serious about running that marathon in the spring, so I really needed to get out there. It just turns out a lot of the people in the running club are women who have jealous boyfriends and spouses. In order for us to set up meeting times for those long runs required for marathon training, we all had to join this website that was super private so their husbands and boyfriends wouldn’t be suspicious. One of them is even training for this in secret, so she really didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Who am I to ruin a surprise?”

The Horny Hero

“Now hang on, honey. I did this for you, to spare your feelings. Think about it. How would it be if I slept with Rochelle next door? Awkward, right? Or let’s say I started in with that tight number who babysits for Ethan, you know, pulled a Ben Affleck? I mean, clearly she’s be down for that, but no. No way. That would be devastating. And I’m not like that. It’s not how I roll. Don’t you see that by outsourcing this activity, I was sparing you? To be fair, maybe you should be thanking me. But that’s not even necessary. I didn’t do it for the praise. “

The Domestic Do-Gooder

“Yeah, I can explain that. I was ordering groceries online, just like you told me. And the this window popped up and it said to put in my information, which I did. And then I get this message asking what am I doing right now, and one thing led to another and I wound up agreeing to meet with this woman whom I naturally assumed was from the grocery store. And I mean, yes, we slept together, but for some reason the groceries still haven’t showed up. By the way, we are out of eggs.”

The Therapist

“If I’m understanding your question, it’s ‘Did you have anonymous sex with random women?’ Well, on the face of it, yes, sure. But any expert will tell you that an affair is really just a manifestation of an underlying issue in the relationship. It’s a red flag that there are emotional undercurrents that are not being properly addressed, and a psychological wake-up call alerting us to the possibility that our relationship—as wonderful as it is—can become so much deeper and more intimate. And that takes two people. In a way, both of us are at fault here. And together, we can totally move forward. Personally, I’m really excited about that. I can’t wait to take our relationship to the next level.”

Photos by Getty Images