Do You Have What it Takes to Win This Testicle Beauty Pageant?

You, yes you, could win $5,000 in this beauty contest for your balls.

Brian Sloan seems like the kind of guy who would talk back to the teacher, pass notes in class, and still ace the test anyway. He’d be the first one of his friends to hear a dirty joke and teach the rest of the gang. In short, he’s the kind of guy I probably would have dated in high school just to piss off my parents. Which is why when he pulls off stunt after internet stunt, I can only crack a wry grin, sigh and say, “He’s done it again.”

Yes, the man who brought you the famous vaginal beauty contest in order to create his baffling three-orifice sex toy hasn’t forgotten about you, gents. This time around, he’s encouraging the men of the world to nominate their balls via photo submissions on his site, where users can rank which pair reigns supreme. But it’s not just for street cred: the first place winner will collect $5,000, the second place $3,000, and the third $2,000. 

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If you win, your naughty bits will then be 3D-scanned and their likeness forever immortalized in novelty items like doorstops and paper weights. But I had to know: why just the balls, and no shaft? To get to the bottom of this hairy query, I reached out to Sloan. As always, he has his answer ready:

“I learned something important in the data analysis we did for the Vulva Paper, which is that women who submitted photos taken from a doggy style position rated on average 2 points higher than photos submitted from all other angles,” Brian told me. “We had to disqualify those photos from the data analysis because of the degree to which the excitement created from the sexual nature of that position influenced the ratings…I concluded that particularly attractive penises would similarly influence the scores given to scrotums in a positive way.”

But Sloan’s company also makes a litany of pleasure products for women, as well as the blowjob machines that have recieved more press. I know this, because I have a comically large box of them sitting under my desk as of this writing. Why pigeonhole men into the novelty category? Why not use those 3D scans to make toys aimed at women?

Turns out, Sloan settled into the home decor category because he figured there just wouldn’t be much of a demand. We have to admit that his rejected ideas are charming, like, “an artificial scrotum worn by men during sex, which would allow both he and his partner to experience the slapping sensation that is only possible while having intercourse with a man who has large testicles housed in a dangling scrotum.” 

Dream big, guys. Dream big. 

Yet beyond the cash prizes and the sheer thrill of looking down at your desk and seeing a model of your boys proudly on display, there’s a scientific pursuit behind Sloan’s scrotal madness. He’ll be using to the results to publish an in-depth research paper on a previously ignored subject: scrotal beauty standards. I asked, in his own humble opinion, what makes for a good looking set of stones. 

“Bigger is better than smaller and dangly is better than not dangly,” Sloan told me. “Regarding the degree of dangle, I think it looks better when the scrotum is fuller, which I suppose relates to the size of the testicles therein. A lot of dangle plus the fullness of large testicles looks nice, but a lot of dangle with small testicles looks like an old deflated balloon.” 

So whether you meet these rigorous beauty standards or not, I encourage you to do the world a favor and submit your nuts for the world to judge. Life is too short not to give your scrotum the attention it deserves.