The Best Man Cities in America
We based our recommendations on things that really matter: junk food, alcohol, cheerleaders, and water parks, just to name a few. So pack your bags, strap your family to the roof, and let’s visit Maxim’s Man Metropolises!
Sure, we could give you a list based on employment opportunities, air quality, and school systems, but who in their right mind would trust us to write something like that? No, we based our recommendations on things that really matter: junk food, alcohol, cheerleaders, and water parks, just to name a few. So pack your bags, strap your family to the roof, and let’s visit Maxim’s Man Metropolises!
Best City for Chubby-Chasers
Photo by iStockphoto
The three cities that make up this metro area are home to the highest obesity rate in the country. Nearly 40 percent of the population is wearing XXXL. And according to the Centers for Disease Control, they’re getting bigger all the time. Great news for you guys who like your tushy cushy.
Best City to See an Oscar-Winning Performance in Bed
Trojan condoms’ latest survey found that Dallas women fake orgasms more than any others: Nearly half admitted to occasional b.s.-ing in bed. The response from Dallas men: “You mean women have orgasms too?”
Best City to Get Strange With Bacon
The self-proclaimed Bacon 2.0 Capital of the U.S. has done so many weird things with pig that it’s almost scary. Not content with bacon mayo, bacon mints, bacon ice cream, and bacon jam, one Seattle-based company recently started selling bacon-painted coffins. At $3,000 a pop, they’re a little pricey, but who wouldn’t want to be buried in breakfast food?
Best City to Meet Single Women
Tired of finding everywhere you go to be a sausage-fest? Not here: A whopping 75 percent of Gainesville’s ladies are single. Now, it could be that there’s a good reason for this, but the only way to know for sure is to take a trip down there and see for yourself…
Best City to Meet a Cheerleader
Photo by Jesse D. Garrabrant / Getty Images
A huge pro-sports town packed with colleges, Philly has a couple hundred game-crazy, wildly enthusiastic cheerleaders crammed into a relatively small space. Now we just need to find a really, really long word for them all to spell out together…
Best City to Get Inked
Miami Beach, FL
According to research by MSNBC, Miami Beach is the most tattooed city in America, so if you really want to cause a stir there, take your shirt off to reveal a completely tat-free
body. You’ll be an instant sensation.
Best City to Get Yourself a Sugar Mama
San Jose, CA
According to Forbes, San Jose is the best-paying city for women in America, with an average annual income of $67,052. Invest in a good pair of gigolo underpants, memorize a few lines from Midnight Cowboy, and then ask someone if they know the way…
Best City to Let It All Hang Out
San Diego, CA
Black’s Beach is thought to be the largest nude beach in the U.S. (Would you believe there are no official stats on this? That’s shameful. Who the hell’s in charge of this stuff?) Anyway, if you want to get a bit of healthy color on Mr. Winkles without getting slapped with a restraining order, this is definitely the place to go. Apply that sunscreen gently, though, to avoid standing out in the crowd.
Best City to Get Strapped
Feeling like you haven’t taken full advantage of your constitutional right to bear arms? Drop by Charlotte’s Hyatt Guns, the largest independently owned gun store in America, with over 7,000 firearms to choose from. We’re saving up for the Barrett 95 .50 BMG bolt action bull-pup rifle with five-round detachable box magazine and optional Leupold Mark 4 4.5-14×50 matte black mil-dot scope. Perfect for squirrel hunting!
Best City to Score (Mostly) Legal Weed
As far as the Feds are concerned, there’s no such thing as legal pot, but a few green-friendly states allow its sale for, uh, “medicinal” purposes. Despite the huge number of stores in California, your best bet is Aspen, where the smaller population means there are around 900 people per dispensary, compared to, say, San Francisco’s 43,000. No lines, no worries! (But if you do have worries, you can get a prescription to ease them.)
Best City to Get Totally, Justifiably Road-Raged
Los Angeles, CA
You know why Hollywood big shots like stretch limos? Because they spend more time stuck in traffic than they spend in their mansions, that’s why. According to traffic information company INRIX, L.A. drivers spend an average of 56 hours a year in gridlock. It’s so bad that we sent a reporter out to check on it three months ago, and he still hasn’t made it from the airport to his hotel.
Best City to Become a Ghostbuster
New Orleans, LA
NOLA has a reputation for being the most ghost-ridden place in the country. With a reported 19 haunted hotels, 10 haunted cemeteries, six haunted bars, one haunted bed—and even a golf course haunted by the ghost of a female golfer who was shot there in the 1960s—there are more opportunities to meet Grandma again than in any other city.
Best City to Completely Choke Your Arteries
Las Vegas, NV
Photo courtesy of Heart Attack Grill
Sin City is home to the Heart Attack Grill, where patrons over 350 pounds eat free and you can tuck into a Quadruple Bypass Burger, a Guinness world-record-breaking 9,982-calorie monster with four half-pound patties and 20 slices of bacon. Just don’t ask to use our bathroom afterward.
Best City to Get Some Tail
The entire state of Wisconsin has been declared a prime spot for bagging whitetail deer by the national Boone and Crockett Club (started by huntsman supreme Teddy Roosevelt), so you know it’s legit. Appleton’s proximity to some of the finest hunting and fishing grounds in the country make it the ideal home base for critter catchers.
Best City to Feel Like a Baller When You’re Just a Bowler
Somewhat fond of bowling tournaments? You should visit the enormous and utterly bizarre National Bowling Stadium in Reno, where you can show your skills (or complete lack thereof, if you’re anything like us) on one of its 78 lanes. That’s right: 78. They don’t call it the Taj Mahal of Tenpins for nothing. To register for a tournament, visit bowl.com.
Best City to Get Wet
Wisconsin Dells, WI
Wisconsin Dells calls itself the Waterpark Capital of the World, and it ain’t kid-
ding. With dozens of indoor and outdoor parks, it also boasts the largest water park in the country, the 70-acre Noah’s Ark, home of America’s longest (and most innuendo-y) water coaster, the quarter-mile-long Black Anaconda.
Best City to See a Giant Pig Hairball
St. Benedict, OR
Want to see a football-size lump of regurgitated pig hair? If you answered yes, go to St. Benedict’s Mount Angel Abbey Museum. If you said no, you need to rethink your priorities in life.
Best City to Grab a Pie
New Haven, CT
With Sally’s and Pepe’s just one block apart, you’ve already got two of the oldest and best pizza joints in America to choose from. Open since 1938 and 1925, respectively, they’ve had a good few decades to perfect their coal-oven-cooked pies. (If you’re not ordering the classic clam pizza, try one with bacon and onions—it’ll blow your mind.) Running short on time? Skip the long lines there and head up to Modern Apizza a few blocks north for a tourist-free pie.
Best City to Tell a New Girlfriend You’re Taking Her So She Thinks You’re Going Somewhere Fancy
But leave out the Texas part, obviously.
Best City to Get a Really Weird Lap Dance
It’s cash only, it’s located under a motel, and its most famous stripper—the 55-year-old, 145-pound Blondie—is best known for her ability to crush PBR cans with her boobs. The dancers may be, shall we say, somewhat less polished than those at your average strip joint, but Atlanta’s Clermont Lounge is not only hugely popular—it’s also the longest continuously operating scanty-panty establishment in the city. What can we say? There are some things that just have to be seen (and possibly smothered by) to be understood.
Best City for Whiskey Drinkers
Ideally traversed with a designated (and incred-ibly patient) driver, the Bourbon Trail—best accessed from Lexington—winds its way through the distilleries of Wild Turkey, Jim Beam, Heaven Hill, Woodford Reserve, Maker’s Mark, and Four Roses. And should you stray from the trail, you’ll also find the likes of Buffalo Trace, Corsair, and Tom Moore. (You should totally stray from the trail is what we’re suggesting here, guys.)
Best City to Shotgun a Beer…on the Sidewalk
There are a handful of U.S. cities that allow open booze containers, but only Butte fought hard to keep that right, preventing an attempt to curb their hard-drinking ways in 2007 by a large show of public opposition. That’s the kind of story that brings a tear to our eyes.
Best City to Be a Surf Bum
Photo by Grant Ellis / Getty Images
Even if you’re just a poseur with a pair of J.Crew board shorts and no ability whatsoever to handle the endless series of monstrous tubes that barrel into the white sands almost year-round, this is still a beautiful place to hang and check out the pros doing their thing. The nightlife is a little on the sparse side, but you’ll be too busy digging sand out of various orifices to go out anyway.
Best City to See a Rock Star at 7-Eleven
Who’s that tall, pallid dude with the stringy black hair at the Slurpee machine? Is that Jack White?! If you’re in Nashville, it probably is. Long the home base for country singers, Music City these days is ground zero for rock’n’roll royalty. For such a legendary locale, it’s also pretty tiny, so don’t be too surprised if you find yourself stuck behind Kid Rock at the drive-through window, see the Kings of Leon brothers at the next self-serve gas pump, or bump into the Black Keys making a beer run.
Best City to Get Over Your Hangover
Whether it’s the super-strict liquor-licensing laws that make purchasing a drink harder than usual or the large nondrinking Mormon population, Provo has fewer boozers than just about anywhere else in the United States, with more than 99.4 percent of inhabitants claiming that they do not drink heavily. You can almost hear their livers smiling from here.
Best City to Find an Experienced Sex Partner
New York, NY
According to a survey by Trojan condoms, New Yorkers have the highest number of notches in their bedposts, with an average of 25.2 lovers each. We’re not certain, but we think that .2 was from when the circus was in town.
Best City to Toss Your Cookies at High Speed
Sandusky’s Cedar Point is the roller-coaster capital of America, with 15 of them crammed into the park. And if that’s not enough for you, there are 39 non-roller-coaster rides to choose from as well. Forty if you count our favorite, the “Try to Walk in a Straight Line to the Parking Lot After Going on All of Them” experience.
Best City to Try Out Your New Ferrari
San Antonio, TX
At press time the Texas Department of Transportation was still deciding whether or not to make a stretch of the newly constructed Texas State Highway 130 an 85 mph zone. That would be the second-fastest speed limit in the world! Being the eternal optimists we are here at Maxim, we’re just going to assume they’ll do the right thing and start celebrating early by blowing our retirement fund on a secondhand Batmobile.