5 Ways to Take Command of Any Room

If you’re going to talk the talk, you’d better walk the walk.


(Photo: David Roemer/ Trunk Archive)

Dating coach and author John Alexander has spent over a decade helping men go alpha. In our March issue, Alexander shares five important guidelines to help a sophisticated man walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. 

1. Keep your body and face open and relaxed. Avoid anything that conveys discomfort (such as looking down, making nervous movements, or crossing your arms) or neediness/desperation (wrinkling your forehead, touching your face when you talk, and smiling excessively). Try this: Stand up, close your eyes, and relax. With your shoulders back and loose, let your arms fall to your sides, and then relax your hands. Shake your arms, then let them relax again. Now open your eyes and notice how your arms, hands, and shoulders are resting. This is alpha posture.

2. Fix the fidget. Unsteady, fidgeting fingers are a common mistake men make. The remedy is simple: Press the tips of your fingers and thumb together as tightly as you can, hold for three seconds, and release. Your fingers and thumb will relax, and you’ll instantly become more alpha.

3. Leave the smartphone alone. Phones almost force a man to convey low-status body language as he slumps over, twitching his fingers to check some useless app, and remove him from the present moment. Turn off all Pavlovian distractions, like notifications, and delete any app that wastes your time. Your goal is to get laid, not get likes.

4. Use your eyes to step up your nonverbal game. Women are tuned in to a man’s eyes, and if they see yours wide open and flittering around, it communicates to them that you’re nervous. To avoid this, think of how your eyes are when you’re at home, where you feel comfortable: Your eyelids are relaxed, maybe even ever-so-slightly droopy; you don’t blink rapidly, and you don’t close your eyes as a self-soothing mechanism.

5. Stop snapping to attention when someone calls your name. When you turn your head quickly to look, you convey that you’re a beta seeking approval, so take your time instead. Try to slow down all your movements—you want to appear relaxed and in control. When you’re moving, visualize yourself walking underwater (as in a swimming pool); you’ll slow down and your muscles will loosen up. And most important, your mental state will be more at ease when you slow yourself down.