Coconuts are delightful and healthy orbs of magic that Mother Nature blessed us with, with the full intention that we eat them, or mix with rum and pineapple for a refreshing tropical beverage.
What Mother Nature did not intend, however, was for horny dudes to drill holes in coconuts, and then proceed to fuck them. No, no.
Don’t let the name confuse you. Just because it contains the word “nut” does not mean you should nut in it.
But clearly, one Reddit user, named coconutthrowaway69, associated the “nut” in coconut with masturbation, and decided to go ahead and stick his dick in one, in a weird sex/masturbation act called coco-nutting, and then told the internet all about his tropical sexperience.
The cringey story was posted in a subreddit titled “Today I Fucked Up,” so you already know it didn't end well.
Prepare yourselves, because this isn't pretty.
One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven.
Oh my God. This is awful already, because 1) He's fucking a coconut. That sheer fact is already bad. 2) There's cum accumulating in the coconut like a damn snow globe, and 3) He's using butter for lube, so the all-organic-matter mix of butter, coconut, and jizz is a literal recipe for disaster.
Let's keep reading.
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
Worst mistake I have ever made.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
Noooooo Jesus noooooo. NOOOOOOO.
I guess that's Mother Nature's way of saying "Stop having sex with my coconuts!!!"
But get this — coconutthrowaway69's story about coco-nutting gone terribly, terribly wrong inspired a lot of other people to confess that they, too, have fucked coconuts, and it's been a nightmare for each and every one of them as well.
I guess nobody thought about the possibility that maybe, just maybe, having sex with a coconut is a poor idea.
One user posted:
Turns out, I'm allergic to coconut water, and my dick swelled up and block the hole.
I panicked and ripped my cock out, which cut it horribly.
So here's the lesson: DON'T FUCK COCONUTS
But having an allergic reaction isn't the worst thing that could happen when you're fucking a coconut...your mom could totally walk in on you, just as another user's did, which is just as bad.
And yet another dude who wanted to try coco-nutting says he went to Trader Joe's to buy a coconut, but somehow confused a pineapple for a coconut, and fucked the pineapple anyway.
And then there's this one other guy who miscalculated the size of the hole and got his dong stuck in the coconut. Nice one, buddy.
There are just so many stories about coco-nutting gone wrong on the subreddit, that you should definitely sift through and read them if you want a good laugh. There are stories about people screwing watermelons, too.
You know what this coco-nutting trend reminds me of? Grapefruiting! You know, when you cut a hole in a grapefruit and slip it over your ding-a-ling?
Yeah, maybe having sex with fruits is a bad idea in general. Maybe we should just stick to having sex with humans. Not agriculture.