Cruise Ships Continue To Be the Worst Things Ever

Even when they’re not actually sinking.

Even when they’re not actually sinking.

A diarrhea-causing virus ripped through the passengers of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship last week, the second vessel to join the doo-doo disaster list in recent days (Carnival Cruise lines recently put its sea-goers through days of hellish conditions that ended with an emergency tow to *shudder* Alabama). And you probably remember last year’s Costa Concordia disaster, where a truly awesome Italian captain abandoned his sinking cruise ship with the passengers still onboard. If that’s not enough to dissuade you from setting foot on a liner, here are some more great reasons:

They love BBBQs (The extra “B” stands for “Bring you own disaster supplies”).

After an earthquake destroyed Haiti, Royal Caribbean Cruises thought that it would be a spectacular idea to dock in the country, erect a security fence, and throw a BBQ party for its passengers. They justified it as a “humanitarian mission” because the cruise company dropped off some relief supplies, though the Haitians would probably have loved to get in on that sweet zip line.

There is an “extreme metal” cruise.

This is a thing that exists.

They kill whales!

The singers of the sea!

There are Russian ghost cruise ships just waiting out there.

The Lyubov Orlova was being towed to the Dominican Republic when the cable snapped, freeing the ship to haunt the oceans FOREVER (or until somebody decides to go get it).

Italians aren’t the only captains who will leave you to die.

In 1991, the Greek Oceanas was taking on water off the coast of South Africa when the captain and crew decided to abandon ship…without telling any of the passengers. Thankfully, everyone was eventually saved, and the captain was quoted as saying, “When I order abandon the ship, it doesn’t matter what time I leave. Abandon is for everybody. If some people like to stay, they can stay.” Nice.

In short, cruise ships are nightmarish, floating suburban shopping malls, staffed with crew on the run from Interpol and filled with retirees who probably can’t swim. The only good reason to take a cruise is if you’re a time-traveling anthropologist looking to chronicle the downfall of Western Civilization. 

April Cover Girl Danielle “Topanga” Fishel

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