The Definitive Guide to Having Sex in Cars
Car engineers work tirelessly to install things like WiFi hotspots and self-driving. Meanwhile, we still don’t have enough room to have sex.
Sex in a car, like halftime at a Cavs game, is all about adjustments. Sometimes you have to improvise. From sports cars and supercars to SUVs and limos (limos, by the way, are the lazy way out), we dissect the ways in which you can give your partner the best ride of her life (pun obviously intended). And don’t forget: always practice safe sex… Which in this situation means don’t get arrested and don’t get hurt.
LaFerrari
This car goes from 0 to 60 mph in 2.9 seconds. Big deal. The low-sitting custom-fitted front seats don’t lend much room for getting it on. In fact, the seats are actually fixed in placed, so get creative and use flexibility to pull this off. Inside tip: Jump into the passenger seat and have your girl sit on your lap, facing the windshield. While this isn’t exactly the most intimate set-up, keep in mind that you’re already in a parking lot after dark. We also have a feeling she won’t mind once she sees the winged doors swivel upward.
Dodge Challenger
They don’t call it a muscle car for nothing. Flex yours in the Challenger. With plenty of room for you on top/girl on top in the front seats, feel free to mix it up and take it to the back in this machine. If headroom is a problem, lay down, side by side, for some intimate spoon sex. Not only does this bring you close to your lady, but you’re also below the windows and out of sight. And let’s not forget the newly revived “shaker” on the hood. While we don’t suggest leaving the car on during sex, a little extra vibration doesn’t hurt.
Mercedes G500 4X4^2
If pulling over isn’t an option, the crazy height clearance of this gargantuan G Wagon keeps you out of the eye line of other drivers on the road, creating the perfect scenario for the ever-coveted road head. The fastest way to bring the mood to a screeching halt (ugh, so many car puns) is when your lady is caught mid act whilst in traffic, so you’ll be thankful for the big step up.
Rolls Royce SUV
Take up all the room you what in what’s soon to be the world’s most lavish and laden SUV. In a car like this, not only will you have the space to perform basically whatever sexual position you’d like, you’ll look and feel classy as hell while doing it. You’ll also finally know what it feels like to be in a rap music video.
1965 Mercedes 600 Limo
With more than enough room in the back and curtains to boot, this vintage Mercedes limo allows for awesome – if not acrobatic – sex. Why not throw a few friends in there while you’re at it? With the two-tone “fanfare” horn that sounds like Queen Mary’s docking signal, you’ll be sure to show up to that orgy in style.
Whatever car you drive, all automobiles have the following accessories that can add to your side-of-road love-making experience:
Seat Belts
Feeling that 50 Shades afterglow? Use the seatbelt to restrain your partner (consensually, people!) either to the seat or hands above the head. If you’re already naked in public, you might as well make it interesting.
Seat Warmers
Warm up the seats to make for a seriously steamy session. Just be sure to hydrate beforehand so as not to pass out from heat exhaustion.
Sunroof
Need a little extra headspace? Roll back the sunroof so that your partner has all the room necessary to maneuver on top. An open sunroof can also come in handy when switching positions or when you need a little extra grip.
Mirrors
Strategically angle the mirrors both in and outside the car so that you can watch one another in the act while also keeping a looking out for any oncoming strangers.
Radio
From Jodeci and Ginuwine to Taylor Swift (we don’t judge) and The Talking Heads, your car radio allows you to set the tone of your sexcapades and really get you and your partner in the mood. Pump up the volume to drown out the sound of moaning and, if you’re working with a subwoofer, don’t forget the added bonus of a little vibration.
E-Brake
While you may want to avoid hard objects that could get in the way or cause pain, the emergency break could actually be used for a little extra stimulation for your partner if placed properly. Think about it.
Steering Wheel
If the only place you have room to have sex is the driver’s seat, push the seat as far back as it will go and have your partner sit in your lap, face the windshield and use the steering wheel for extra support.
Hood
As Ludacris once said, “In the sun or up in the shade/On the top of my escalade.” If you’re feeling like a real exhibitionist (and you’re not in the vicinity of children, a playground, etc), then take your sexual escapades to the hood of your vehicle for the most freedom car sex can offer. Lay on top, bend over the sides, the choice is yours… just don’t get caught. Or arrested. *See “safe sex” above.
Like what you read? Follow Lawrence on Twitter at @lawrencefrank_ for more ridiculous commentary.
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