These 5 holiday gifts will send your girlfriend a clear message: I don’t like you anymore. Let’s break up.
The MILF Diet Book
This cookbook will insult on a whole variety of levels. First, everyone knows that you never give a girl you like a gift that implies she needs to go on a diet, even if it’s subtle. Giving her an actual diet book isn’t just not subtle; it’s unforgiveable. But what will really drive home the idea that you’re over the relationship is the notion that you think she could stand to diet and MILF it up a little—especially since she’s only 23.
Like the diet thing, you simply don’t gift exercise equipment—or anything sold exclusively via infomercial—to your girlfriend if you want to keep her as a girlfriend. Luckily, you do not. And that makes the Shakeweight your new best friend. Tell her you put a lot of thought into finding her the perfect gift that would allow her to tone her flabby arms while getting all porno. Then pack your bags.
You know who typically doesn’t appreciate bathroom humor of any kind? Your girlfriend. Signal that you’re done with the relationship by giving her this ridiculous adult potty contraption, which is basically just a glorified stool (haha, “stool”—get it?). We suggest wrapping it up in a fancy box and attaching the following note: “Dear Angela, now you have a whole new thing to take a dump on, because I’m out. Merry Christmas.” Straight talk, dude!
At-Home STD Test
Just to be clear, we really hope you don’t have an STD, and we certainly wouldn’t wish one upon your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend (regardless of what she did with your friend in the back of a pickup truck that one time). But the point here is to send a message by way of a gift, and there’s no better way to make sure she understands the relationship is over than by suggesting you might have given her the Clap. And if you want to really guarantee she’ll run for the hills, include a prescription for some antibiotics. You’ll never hear from her again.
It’s every woman’s dream to have a boyfriend so thoughtful and loving, he buys her a stripper pole for Christmas. Just kidding! She will hate you if you do this. But that’s kinda the point, isn’t it?