It's sad but true. More than half of 18- to 35-year-old women don't orgasm during sex, and, even worse, only four percent of women say they reach orgasm when having first-time hookup sex. That's not good.
In the following excerpt from from her new book BECOMING CLITERATE: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It, psychology professor and human sexuality expert Dr. Laurie Mintz gives Maxim an exclusive look at her five simple-but-surefire rules for making sure your partner has mind-blowing orgasms.
Don't be afraid to take notes.
Rule #1: Forget Everything You've Learned about Thrusting Hard and Lasting Long
You don't have to look far to find the message that the size of your penis—and your ability to last long and thrust hard—are the key to a woman's pleasure. This message is inherent in jokes about penis size and images of women having fast and fabulous orgasms from thrusting alone. Well, the first thing you need to do to make sure your partner has an orgasm is to know that your penis is essential to your orgasm, but not to hers. In study after study, women say that penis size doesn't matter to their pleasure. In fact, the only women who say they care about penis size are the approximately 5% of women who orgasm from intercourse alone. Yep, that's right. The vast majority of women don't orgasm from intercourse alone. Instead, as many as 95% need clitoral stimulation, either alone or coupled with intercourse. The clit is key—which leads to rule #2.
Rule #2: Educate Yourself on Female Anatomy and Pleasure. Become Cliterate.
A recent study found that 25% of men couldn't locate the clitoris on a diagram. Don't be one of them. Learn about the clitoris and her other pleasurable "down there." Here are a few fun facts to get you started.
The clitoris is a large internal and external organ and just like your penis, it’s chock full of erectile tissue. The parts that you can see—the clitoral glans and hood—can be found above her vaginal opening where her inner lips meet. In some women, the clit is close to the vaginal opening and in others, it can be more than an inch away.
To understand her clitoral glans, imagine all of the nerve endings of your penis poured into an area the size of a pea. Wow! That's why most women find that having their glans touched is too intense. Instead, many women like to rub the hood that covers the glans, round and round, bringing pleasure to the glans beneath. Some women like to have their clitorises stimulated even less directly, such as through their panties or by the indirect stimulation that occurs when you rub or gently pull on their inner lips, which actually connect to the clit in two places. Importantly, the inner lips are made of the same tissue as the head of your penis. No wonder they love some attention!
Rule #3: Ask For Directions "Down There"
You've probably also heard jokes about men not asking for directions and as a result, getting hopelessly lost. Well, if you want to be that guy when driving someplace new, so be it. But, please, don't be that guy when you’re getting it on with a woman, be that a long-term partner or a first-time hookup partner. Instead, ask for directions. Ask her how she likes to be pleasured.
What every woman needs to orgasm is unique to her. Making things even more complicated, what one woman needs can differ from one encounter to the other. So, the key to female orgasm lies (no pun intended) in the two C's: Clitoris and Communication. In fact, pounding the point home further (this time, pun intended), in a recent survey of over 3,000 women, almost all said that good sexual communication is much more important than penis size.
So, be a good sexual communicator. Here's a starter sentence that guaranteed to get her hot: "I want to please you. Tell me what you like." Or, try putting her hand over yours and say, "Show me what you like."
Rule #4: Be Patient with Her Pussy
Earlier I told you to forget all the junk you've learned about lasting long during intercourse. But, here is when you do need to last long: when you're pleasuring her with your fingers, your mouth, or her vibrator. Speaking of vibrators, here's another scientific finding for her sexual pleasure: Women's orgasmic capacity is related to her partner's comfort with using a vibrator. So, ask if she has a favorite toy and tell her you'd love to use it to pleasure her.
Now, back to the time issue. The average guy takes anywhere from 2 to 4 minutes from when he puts his penis in a vagina until when he ejaculates. The average woman needs about 20 minutes of external, clitoral stimulation to orgasm. In fact, Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, tells readers that if they spend twenty or more minutes on clitoral stimulation, about 92% of female partners will orgasm. As Ian says, that's "a shift of tectonic proportions" – with the orgasm rate going from two of every three women saying they don't orgasm during partner sex to nine out of ten reaching orgasm.
So, along with telling her you want to know how to please her, let her know you are willing to take your time. Say, "Take as long as you like. I'm enjoying pleasuring you." Women often worry that they take too long to orgasm and no one can orgasm while worrying. So, reassure your partner that you want to play with her pussy until she purrs with delight. Believe me, she will.
Rule #5: Pussy Play Isn't Just a Prelude
In our culture, sex follows a typical sequence, akin to a scripted play: foreplay to get her ready for intercourse, intercourse, and game over. During this sequence, the man usually orgasms during intercourse and sadly, that is when as many as 67% of women admit to faking orgasm. To make sure your partner has a real rather than a faked orgasm, you need new scripts for your sex "play"—ones in which her orgasm is a central to the climax of the play as yours.
Let's briefly go through four new plays that you can incorporate in your sex life:
- In the play titled "She Comes First," you could give her oral sex until she orgasms, followed by intercourse during which you orgasm.
- Likewise, here's an example of a script for the play titled "She Comes Second": pleasure her until she's ready for intercourse, making sure to actually ask if she is, because having intercourse before she’s aroused enough can cause her pain. Then, have intercourse during which you orgasm. When you're done, use her vibrator to bring her to orgasm.
- Alternatively, you could try the play where "You Come Together"—but not in those fake ways where both of you orgasm from thrusting alone that we did away with in Rule #1. Instead, for example, you could wear a cock ring with a clitoral vibrator attached (google "Vibrating Cock Ring") or she could touch herself during intercourse. (No, it's not a lesser form of sex—for some women, it's the only way).
- Finally, there's a play where "Only One of You Comes." Before you say this sounds strange, recall it's what is often happening in countless "illcliterate" sexual encounters where only the man comes. Instead, in this new play, you could pleasure her to orgasm and ask nothing in return, or she could do the same for you. This may not be something you choose as the main course of your sex life, but it can be loads of fun as an occasional side dish.
The bottom line is if she's going to have mind-blowing orgasms, you've got to let go of the false stories about your penis and her pleasure. You’ve got to become cliterate instead.
Adapted from BECOMING CLITERATE: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. Copyright ©2017 by Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. Published by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.