Go Out With a Bang
With the apocalypse upon us, there’s only one thing left to do: everyone in sight!
With the apocalypse upon us, there’s only one thing left to do: everyone in sight!
According to some interpretations of the Mayan calendar and a terrible movie starring John Cusack, the world is
ending in 2012. If the prophecy is to be believed (and why shouldn’t it be?), you have only six months to say goodbye to loved ones, make amends, and, most important, have as much sex as possible. And not just regular sex. It’s the end of life as we know it, people: Let’s do this thing right.
To boost your chances of a freaky farewell, we asked women about their favorite kinks—the ones they’d recommend anyone try before they kick it. The result: a sexual bucket list that would make Morgan Freeman blush. Start checking them off now before we all turn to dust.
July: Visit a Sex Club
Sex clubs are like the infomercial products of debauchery, because you get three kinks in one: orgies, voyeurism, and exhibitionism. Engage in one or all three, depending on your comfort level. It’s the approach 28-year-old Linda* and her boyfriend took on their first visit to a club. “We decided we would just observe at first,” she says. “After watching a sexy couple go at it, we got super turned on, so we snuck off to a side room, where I gave him a killer blow job. By the time I was finished, there was a crowd of people watching, which had always been a fantasy of mine.”
Be aware that many sex clubs are couples- only, and those that do allow single guys jack up the price of solo admission. (A man going to an orgy by himself is a little creepy, not to mention impolite. Never arrive at a party empty-handed!) So bring a date with you, whether you’re currently sleeping with her or not. Samantha, 25, agreed to go with an ex. “He’d been bugging me about it, so on his birthday I relented. I ended up hooking up with a busty blonde while he enjoyed the show.”
August: Have Sex with a Celebrity
Realistically, you’re not going to spend your final nights with Mila Kunis. (Yes, we know she dated Macaulay Culkin. It’s still not happening.) But anyone would agree that you haven’t truly lived if you’ve never had a herpes scare from a C-list celeb—and that is in the realm of possibility.
The point? Sexual one-upmanship. After all, “I boned Liza Minnelli” will trump even the craziest of stories. “Am I proud I slept with a washed-up rock star? Not really,” admits Jen, 23, of a one-night stand with a drummer from a ’90s grunge band she met at a dive bar in L.A. “But it was pretty hilarious. He was thrilled to be recognized again and rewarded me in his residential hotel suite, where we played ‘follow the porn’ and poured champagne on each other in bed.”
You don’t need to be in L.A. or N.Y.C. to make it happen. These days there’s a fame-hungry reality star or “Web celebrity” in every suburb—and they thrive on attention. Marci, 23, used flattery to woo a small-town comedian on Twitter. “It was my mission to fuck him,” she says. “I’d re-tweet him all the time and add flirty remarks. Eventually, he took notice and invited me to drinks. I knew we were going to hook up before it happened—all I had to do was giggle nonstop.” Find the Bachelorette star nearest you and hop to it.
September: Tie or Be Tied
A lot of guys are scared to tie up a girl (“What if I hurt her?”) or be tied up (“What if she thinks I’m not manly?”), but many women say playing with power dynamics is their ultimate turn-on. It’s why Brenda, 34, a lawyer and self-proclaimed ball-buster, loves to get screwed with her arms bound behind her back. “I’m a control freak, so being restrained during sex is my way of letting go,” she says.
Natasha, 24, prefers being on the other side of the knot. And while her boyfriend was initially reluctant, once she showed him how she likes to take control, he started giving in. “One of my favorite moves is to strip him down, sit him in a chair, and then tie his arms and legs to it,” she says. “Then I tease him with a lap dance and go down on him until he begs to be untied so he can fuck me. Once I do that he’s like an unleashed animal.”
October: Have a Sex Marathon
Several women said their last act would be an all-day sexfest that would include just a few breaks for food, naps, and bathroom needs. For added effect, many recommended it on a weekday. “When my boyfriend and I were in our fuck-all-the-time stage, we called in sick one morning and had sex eight times, one for each hour of the workday,” says Eve, 27. “I was so sore later that night. We tried positions we’d never thought of and learned every inch of each other’s bodies.”
A 24-hour sex marathon may not seem feasible, but keep in mind there’s much more than penetration at your disposal. For 31-year-old Karen, who spends the first Sunday of every month in bed with her boyfriend, it’s all about variety. “ We incorporate a ton of oral sex, masturbating, and sex toy action,” she says. “He’ll go down on me until I come, then we’ll break, and then I’ll get him off. By the end we’re soaked with sweat, totally exhausted, and beyond satisfied.”
November: Do a Stranger
The clock is ticking, so if you aren’t hitched (or, hell, even if you are), it is time to pursue just about any attractive person you see. Trust us: More women are up for it than you’d think. Michaela, 33, travels often for work and enjoys seeking out anonymous sex. The first time, she’d gotten toasted in the hotel bar and let her inhibitions—and her pants—drop. “I was on my second cocktail when the hot bartender started chatting me up,” she says. “By my fourth drink I was asking him what time he got off.” Since she was staying right upstairs, it was an easy transition to the bedroom. “We had really raunchy sex. He was smacking my ass and calling me a dirty slut. It was so unlike me but also the best sex I’d ever had. Knowing I’d never see this guy again—I couldn’t even remember his name the next day!—made me feel I could go wild.”
That’s the thing about sex with a stranger: You can be anyone. For 28-year-old Allie, a timid writer and self-proclaimed prude, that someone became a very demanding, sexually confident man-eater when she accepted a sexy stranger’s midday proposal at a coffee shop where she was working on her laptop. “I was eyeing this guy, and after a while he approached me and simply said, ‘So, wanna get out of here?’ It was sort of cheesy, but I was into it,” she says. “I took him home and told him exactly how I wanted him to do me.”
December: Go All-Out on the Internet
Normally we wouldn’t recommend spending your last month on Earth online. But everyone knows there’s an army of horny people lurking there, and it would be a shame not to join their ranks before you die.
Cruise over to Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section and click on “w4m” (perv-speak for “women seeking men”) to find headlines like “I need a little slap and tickle.” All you have to do is respond. But note: “Don’t send a photo of your cock,” says Jane, 29, a frequent poster. Even though these women are looking for sex, they want to know who they’re screwing, and disembodied dicks don’t say much about you (other than whether you’re European or an aging NFL QB). Says Jane: “I’ve had seven sex adventures thanks to Craigslist, and they’ve all been with guys who were able to convince me via e-mail that they weren’t nut cases. A bonus was that each guy was into something different—one was obsessed with tits and gave me my first orgasm from nipple-touching. Another had never had anal, so I became his first. It was a sex buffet.”
Yes, the Internet provides a safe place to voice all your desires judgment-free and find someone who shares them. “I went through a phase where I was into sex that started as a wrestling match and ended with me being pinned and fucked at the same time,” says Krista, 23. “I wasn’t comfortable asking anyone I was dating to do it, so I searched ads from guys who asked for ‘rough sex.’ I had a lot of rug burns back then.” But who cares about burns? The end of the world is coming—so should you.
*Some names have been changed.
Do or Die
Need proof that sex is more satisfying when the world is fending? Hollywood says so!
Armageddon (1998) Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck engage in cutesy animal-cracker foreplay while an asteroid hurtles toward Earth and her dad caterwauls in the background.
The Terminator(1984) A resistance fighter travels back in time to protect Sarah Connor, and their sex spawns the child the machines feared. In your face, Planned Parenthood!
Planet Terror (2007) In a scene blatantly pandering to the questionable fetish community, one-legged go-go dancer Cherry Darling screws her ex-boyfriend in the wake of a biochemical disaster.
A Boy and His Dog(1975) It’s not what you think! The scheming daughter of an underground society leader beds a sex-starved Don Johnson for procreative purposes after a nuclear disaster.
Deep Impact(1998) Despite the title, the only “deep impact” in this movie occurs when a comet slams into Earth and destroys half of humanity. Missed opportunity, screenplay writers.