The Straight Man’s Guide To Lady Masturbation

What she wants you to do when she's not doing you.
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What she wants you to do when she's not doing you.

There's been a lot of chatter on the internet this week after a 30 day women’s masturbation challenge went viral. And while even the most ill-informed male knows enough to be aware that rubbing one out 30 days in a row is a luxury more than it is a challenge, the logistics of female masturbation can often be something of a question mark. Do you rub then circle, or circle then rub? Left to right or diagonal rub? When she says she’s not feeling well, is she spending the whole night with her vibrator and Barry Manilow albums? 

To clear up any pussy related paradoxes, enter our handy guide to the labia-rynthian world of lady love: everything a straight man needs to know about female masturbation.

1) It happens more often than you think.

Why, in 2016, must we still remind people that women masturbate all the time? As Julia, a 31-year old actress from Los Angeles laments, “I wish guys knew it happens so much more frequently than they imagine. It’s not that special.” Much like your own abundant jerkoff sessions, taking a breather to rub one out isn’t that uncommon for women – in fact, 92% of women cop to masturbating on a regular basis.

And given how often we do it, masturbating isn’t the cheesy, date night for one, bubble bath, candles, and waterproof vibrator love fest porn would have you think. While multiple orgasms and a decent amount of time spent isn’t uncommon, it’s a lot less lace panties and tracing our fingers down our bodies, and a lot more getting right to it. Says Shaina, a 32-year old journalist, “Masturbation is just something you do while waiting for your laundry to finish. Or, you know, masturbation for women is oddly enough just like masturbation for men.”

2) We like porn, too.

I may be in the minority on this, but barring sexual addiction or a proclivity for X-Art videos, I could not give a flying fuck if someone I was dating watched porn to jerk off. Porn is great, and it’s immensely helpful when you want to get off, and that’s not an affront to any of the sex we may currently be having. 

While I’ve definitely had a few immeasurably hot dreams that have furthered things along naturally, sometimes when you’re waiting for your laundry to finish, you only have a few minutes before your neighbor dumps it out on the floor, and conjuring up a memory of your last hot fuck is just going to take too damn long. But a clip of two best friends exploring their burgeoning bisexuality together? Surefire hit in five minutes or less.

3) Vibrators and dildos are not the same.

“Maybe I’m fucking the wrong guys, but it seems like every guy thinks vibrators are just giant dildos I use to fuck myself,” says Rachel, 25, a grad student. “In reality, both of my vibrators are tiny enough to fit in my palm at the same time.” 

Yes, lots of women love vibrators, but that doesn’t mean they’re dildos. Dildos are great for some people, and all the power to them, but like a sexual geometry problem, not all vibrators are dildos, and not all dildos are vibrators. And while we’re at it – The Rabbit? That’s just a Sex and the City myth. There are far better vibrators out there…and now that you know they’re not shaped like someone else’s dick, you should want to use them with us.

4) If you’re getting in there, mix it up a little bit.

Although the fine print of the Refinery29 30 Day Masturbation Challenge allows for mixing and matching, the pre-mapped calendar might lead you astray to believe that you only need to do one type of motion consistently for 7 to 10 minutes, even if you want to stop sooner, to build up orgasm potential. Nonsense. What you actually want to do is mix it up in the beginning — not so much so that you seem manic, but just enough that it never gets boring. Try circles first, before switching over to moving diagonally. Alternate with fingers inside (but please, no more pounding as many fingers as you can jam in there like your hand became a pogo stick).

When you do move inside, take it slow with the G spot, just like you did the clit. It too is insanely sensitive, and as most women orgasm from external rather than internal stimulation, getting acclimated to the sensation (without worrying about peeing on you) will take us a minute. Keep doing your thing, follow our lead, and don’t forget our clits just because you’re tickling our G spots. “And more indirect pressure please!” says Rena. “The clit has 8,000 nerve endings and mine are too sensitive for direct pressure.” Rena’s not the only one; for most women, the clitoris’ 8000+ nerve endings require a little more finesse than your hand or face mashed up against it like a mack truck.

5) We don’t always need you to lend a hand.

“One of my favorite things to do is masturbate myself while my boyfriend is either talking dirty to me, or just occupied with something as banal as kissing my neck,” says Jennifer, a 28 year old copywriter. “Partially because it takes me a while with anyone else to orgasm, and partially because I like him knowing that I’m so turned on by him, I can’t keep my hands off myself.”

I’m all for having a helping hand lent, but I have to agree with Jennifer on this one. Orgasms can be tough, even when you do everything right! Being able to bring yourself to orgasm – a trusty standby – isn’t the worst tool to have in the arsenal, and it’s a great one to use purposely for even hotter sex. Jennifer’s boyfriend Ricky concurs: “I’m secure enough to admit that my girlfriend getting herself off to me is pretty hot – and unlike when she sexts me but I know she’s just at home in sweats, this time I have proof of how much I turn her on.”