Apparently, It’s Possible to Hack a Sex Toy

Who knew?

With the prevalence of celebrity photo leaks and Apple’s refusal to unlock the San Bernardino iPhone, issues of consumer electronic security have reached fever pitch. And for good reason. If Mr. Robot taught me anything, it’s that all it takes to hack your personal data is someone asking you to listen to their mix-tape. 

Which is why it should come as absolutely no surprise that given the rise of personal pleasure products with high-tech capabilities, not even our sex toys are safe: they can easily be compromised.

In a report via Reuters, representatives from a software firm in Hanover, Germany did just that. Udo Schneider, spokesperson for the firm Trend Micro, used his laptop and some coding to hack into a vibrator and turn it on mid-press conference. 

According to the company’s Chief Technology Officer Raimund Genes, “If I hack a vibrator it’s just fun, but if I can get to the back-end, I can blackmail the manufacturer.” Fair point, sir.

The conference was meant to illustrate the importance of cyber security, but it got me thinking about what could happen if someone remotely accessed their way into my bedside table drawer. Over the past few years of writing about sex toys, I’ve amassed a comically large collection of vibrators, butt plugs, and ball gags of just about every shape, size, and color. Many go unused, but perhaps the rest are waiting for some neerdowell hacker to bring them to life into some sort of sentient robotic fuck monster hell-bent on terrorizing New York City. 

Okay, hackers probably have bigger fish to fry, but if anyone has Michael Bay’s number, I have a monster movie I’d like to pitch him. Thanks in advance.