Science Proves Everyone Should Masturbate More

Bet your doctor never told you this.

Genitals, rejoice!

Thanks to science, we now have even more data that proves masturbating is really, really good for you. In centuries past, masturbation was thought to be a sinful and immoral activity that inexplicably caused health problems like blindness, hemorrhoids, acne, and hairy palms. In fact, it was frowned upon so much that horny women often prescribed bland, dry foods like graham crackers and corn flakes. No, really – some of our favorite snack foods were literally created to “soak up” lustful urges that were floating around the pits of horny people’s stomachs. Well folks, we’ve come a long way.

Luckily, we made it out of the sad wormhole that was the 1800s and are now in a golden age of masturbation. Sex researcher Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller recently shed some light on just how wonderful masturbating is for your health. When you rub one out, your brain gets to enjoy a nice cocktail of dopamine, prolactin, and endorphins, which relieves stress, decreases pain, and makes you relaxed and sleepy. Masturbating also activates your immune system, decreases your risk of prostate cancer, and increases sperm quality

Is there anything whacking off isn’t good for? If only the sexually oppressed horndogs of centuries ago knew what they were missing out on. So eat well, take your vitamins, and get your tube socks ready and jerk off ‘til you can’t jerk off no more.

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