How To Not Date An Insta-Girlfriend

Diana Falzone helps you learn to spot the ones that are already moving their stuff in before you’ve finished saying hello.

Ever thought a date was going okay, only to discover later that while you were ordering appetizers, she was thinking of honeymoon destinations? Never fear – Diana Falzone is here to give you the inside scoop on how to spot “the Insta-Girlfriend”.

Despite being young, pretty, and enormously successful, Taylor Swift – if her songs are to be believed, at least – cannot keep a man. Many of today’s great philosophers have pondered why such a country cutie’s relationships end quicker than a newly debuted television sitcom. The answer, young padawans, is that some women decide, before the first date’s even over, that you, sir, are boyfriend material, and begin to act accordingly, which is just confusing when you thought you were just having a nice meal with a pretty girl, and inevitably leads to a rapid “It’s not me, it’s you” conversation. Of course, sometimes it’s the dude who acts like this, and for the record, yes, it is every bit as offputting for us as it is for you. Anyway, rather than become future fodder for her breakup diary (or in the case of Swift, her latest hit single), here are the signs to spot the insta-girlfriend before it’s too late.

The Marrying Kind

First dates are more like job interviews. As some women get more eager to settle down, you may feel like you’re being interrogated by the CIA, however, you need only be concerned if your date starts asking about your family’s medical history and what your current sperm count is.

Facebook Status

If your girl changes her FB status to “in a relationship” before you’ve ever discussed being exclusive (or in some cases, before you’ve even got the check), she has metaphorically peed all over your leg. The next step is usually nauseating unsolicited wall post PDA, followed by tagged photos…that she took of you while you slept. Block her ASAP!

Property Wars

It hasn’t even been a full month that you’ve been dating, but your Stage 5 clinger bought an entire compound next to your house (or at the very least, is leaving her stuff all over your apartment). Change your locks before she makes her own set of keys.

The Exes

If she has more exes than you have Twitter followers, be suspicious of this chick – especially if she claimed to be “in love” with every single one of them.


You wake up to a dozen text messages (mostly emoticons of hearts and smiley faces) along with a barrage of questions about how you are, where you are, when you’ll be seeing her, what your plans are for the future, and so on. Change your number. Do not look back.

Love Never Fades

Should she have a newly inked tattoo on her body that reads “You & Me Forever,” slowly make your exit (but avoid making any sudden movements). 

Need more help with the ladies? Check out New Tricks For The Bedroom.

Just want to check out some ladies? See Danielle “Topanga” Fishel’s gallery