How Not to Get Laid this Valentine’s Day

Are you, for some strange reason, looking to remain chaste this year? These 4 tips will show you how to do it.

It’s Valentine’s day, and for the average man it is the season of seduction, wherein you stalk the jungles of love like an oily, mustachioed sex-tiger. But not for some! Maybe you’ve got a long-distance gal out there and you need to keep your dance card cleared. Maybe you’ve taken a vow of celibacy that, for whatever weird reasons, has made women madly attracted to you. Maybe a dangerous crime boss has insisted you take his sexy wife out to a ’50s diner. If you desperately need to find a way to put the ladies off this year, check out the following backfires in romance enhancement. We guarantee these babies are a one-way ticket to sweet, sweet loneliness.

The Wrong Underwear

If you want to push the idea of sex far, far out of a woman’s mind, we recommend these tuxedo briefs. Traditionally, the dong is not the most formal of appendages – even when it’s at attention, it still kind of looks like a wrinkled, drunken dock worker, leaning against the shabby, unkempt wall of your pubes – and as such it should never have a bow tie put on it, let alone a dickey, no matter how appropriate that might sound. Wearing these babies tells the world that you don’t take your crotch seriously, and that nobody else should either.

Smell Like You Mean It

As every man knows, body odor can be something of a double-edged sword. You can try going sans deodorant to keep the ladies at bay, but what if they’re then overpowered by your natural manly sex musk? To play it safe, we recommend Tiberius, the Star Trek-inspired eau de toilette. It doesn’t actually matter how the cologne smells, because once you’ve explained that your choice of scent was inspired by your love of William Shatner, you will effectively shut down the libido of anybody you’re talking to.

Dress to Unimpress

They say that clothes make the man, but a real man makes his clothes. Makes them from duct tape, that is. That’s right – why splash out hundreds of dollars on a designer suit when you can make the whole thing yourself from the plumber’s best friend? You may look as sharp as a samurai’s circumcision, but you’re broadcasting an important message about both your financial circumstances and your borderline obsessive personality. Also, by wearing a suit made entirely of duct tape, the ladies are going to know that you’re a man with a lot of time on his hands. Too much time.

Get Hairy

For the guy who’s losing his hair, there are a variety of tempting cover-ups. Most guys usually fall short of a toupee, though, because there will come the inevitable uncomfortable moment when your hair piece is discovered and – if movie convention is to be believed – attacked with a broom by your now-hysterical love interest. Given that toupees are such a well-documented turnoff, why not glue a couple of these eerie-looking chest-wigs to your torso? As well as being creepy and weird, they’re made of real human chest hair. Drop that one into conversation and you’ll discover just how fast a woman can leave a room.

Photos by Willie B. Thomas/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014