How To Seduce A Ghost
Ke$ha has sex with ghosts, and you can too!
We’ve always been amused by Ke$ha‘s ridiculous attitude, but in a recent interview with Ryan Seacrest, she proved to be more insane than we initially thought. Discussing her inspiration for her new song “Supernatural,” the eccentric blonde pop star revealed that she concocted the ballad after an orgasmic night with a ghost. Like any ideal one night stand, the ghost apparently continues to come back to please, remains nameless, and promptly dissipates once his job is through. For all of you spectrophilia-crazed beings out there, here are some tips on how to get the supernatural sex you deserve.
Photo: Paul A. Hebert / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
1. Master the Ouija Board
Even monkeys know that an Ouija board is the best way to contact a dead person, particularly a deceased nymphomaniac. Those new plastic boards are for amateurs and 8-year-olds, so you’re going need to get the real deal, or put your crafting skills to work. Original Ouija boards were made from coffin wood, so try your best to find one floating around your local Wiccan warehouse or Toys R’ Us. If all else fails, mosey over to your favorite graveyard and start digging.
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
2. Learn the Ways of the Spiritual Body
Learning the intricate curves of a tangible woman takes practice, and the same goes for one you can actually swipe your hand through. Start by feeling up the air on a daily basis to become more familiar with the feel. That way, when her sultry transparent body mounts yours, you’ll be sure to rock her world.
3. Flattery is Key
Everyone enjoys a nice compliment every once in a while, and your supernatural lady friend is no exception. While her body is rotting six feet below the surface of some fenced-in graveyard somewhere, her soul is kicking and looking damn good, so make it known.
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
4. Make Your Boning Space Appealing
We’re guessing sexy time isn’t exactly a prominent thing in the supernatural realm, so you’re going to have to try crazy hard (giggle) to make this worth her while. You need to set the mood—if you have any cleaning issues (i.e., you live in a cobweb-infested 6X6 apartment), you need to fix that. This chick has been dead for years and has probably been living among flesh-eating creepy crawlers, so make sure your abode is more enticing.
5. Keep It Casual
Ghosts are trying to get laid, not start a family of five in the suburbs. If you get the feeling she’s looking for more, have an honest conversation with her about your motives. But tread lightly; you don’t want to be the star of your own Poltergeist movie. She’s guaranteed to make your ex-girlfriend look tame.
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
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