Martha Stewart Offers the Sex Advice You Never Knew You Wanted!

You’re going to need a basket of apples, a bunch of popsicle sticks, and as much Krazy Glue as you can find.

DIY guru and convicted felon Martha Stewart can now add something new to her extensive portfolio: sex expert. After Stewart participated in a Reddit AMA on Thursday, the public learned a little more about the businesswoman than they bargained for, when she was asked by one user whether she had any sex tips:

Yes, you read that correctly: Martha Stewart recommends that you bathe before and after having sex, and remember to brush you teeth, presumably because she thinks you are a vile, vile beast, and frankly you should just go ahead and drink bleach before any sexual encounter. Later on things got even more uncomfortable when a fellow blogger asked for some much-needed advice:

“Ok, here goes: 1. How do you clean a steel riveted leather harness used for a strap-on dildo? 2. What’s the best way to remove skidmarks (left during sexual relations) from Pratesi sheets? 3. How can you clean semen stains off of a green velour recliner?”

Her response was equally as epic: “What’s a dildo?” Classic, Martha. After being told it was a “pleasure device,” she seemed to quickly change her tune, adding, “When I get my first dildo I’ll look up some information.” Looks like she has big plans for the weekend. 

Photos by Peter Kramer / Getty Images