Maxim Editors’ Worst Valentine’s Day Stories

Whoever created this stupid holiday should have to buy us infinite rounds of beer.

We’ve already revealed our man crushes, horrendous dating mishaps, and guilty consciences, so on the most annoying day of the year it’s only appropriate to confess our worst Valentine’s Day experiences. Just be thankful you’re you, and not us.

Photo: Vladimir Nikulin / iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

“A few years ago I told my live-in boyfriend that we needed to take a break the day before Valentine’s Day, because I couldn’t go through a romantic sham. He went to stay at a friend’s place and I got the apartment. I got home after work on Valentine’s Day and saw a big bouquet in the apartment. I felt like a terrible person and started crying and called a friend to relay this information to. The next night he called me and said, ‘I have to apologize for something. Along with all the Valentine’s stuff, I also put a voice recorder in the apartment because I wanted to find out if you were bringing another guy over, cause that’s the only reason I could think of as to why you wanted a break. But after hearing your reaction to the flowers and phone conversation, I know that you’re not cheating!’ So basically the flowers were a play to find out if I was cheating, and he recorded me without my knowledge, which is super creepy and also maybe illegal.”

-Stephanie Radvan, Maxim

“I once booked a romantic dinner for a girlfriend at the place we originally met. However, she had a work party first, and by the time I arrived to pick her up, everyone was completely shitfaced. I saw at least four people throw up in the bar of this really nice venue, but the worst was actually the girlfriend, who puked in a glass and then, thinking she was being subtle, emptied the contents into a plant pot by the bar. At least, that’s what she thought she’d done – it was actually a pile of other people’s coats. The night ended with me bundling her unconscious body into the back of a taxi…which sounds far creepier than it actually was.”

-Nick Leftley,

“My worst is going to be today, as I haven’t bought anything yet.”

-Dan Bova, Maxim

“Many, many years ago, I was dating a guy whose favorite candy was gummy bears. So when Valentine’s Day rolled around, and I was too broke to buy him anything, I had the brilliant idea to make a gummy bear bikini and surprise him in it. The logic? He liked gummy bears, he liked my boobs; ergo, he’s going to looove my boobs in gummy bears. OBVIOUSLY. I spent four painstaking hours sewing together 15 bags of gummy bears with a needle and spool of dental floss. By the time I was done, my fingers were raw and bloody, but hell if I didn’t just make the most caloric thong bikini you ever did see. Then, on the evening of Valentine’s Day, while my boyfriend was still at work, I put on my creation, sprinkled a trail of bears from the front door to the bedroom, and sprawled out on the bed like a deranged woman with tiny, sticky bears tied around her areolas. When he got home, he took one look at me and whined, ‘But babe, I just got home from work!’ If there’s anything more demoralizing than being denied sex, on Valentine’s Day, while gummy bears are riding up your ass crack, I’d like to hear it. Go on, I’ll wait.”

-Laura Leu, Maxim

“In the 4th grade a boy in my class gave me an Irish Claddagh necklace (dude, we’re 9. I don’t even know what that means), and in response I chucked it at his head. There was blood, and the teacher called my mom. Needless to say, I was in really big trouble. And almost sent to a therapist for erratic behavior.”

-Alexa Lyons,

“I performed in the Vagina Monologues a couple times on Valentine’s Day. And now I work at Maxim. Okay, that’s all.”

-Bailey Swilley,

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