These People Really Want to Have Sex While the Pope’s In Town

The Pope is visiting America, and apparently he’s making everyone very horny. We rounded up the best ads we found online.

His Holiness “Cool Pope” Francis will always be remembered for his relative hipness. He was the first pontiff to join Twitter; he’s been known to strike a pose with the Harlem Globetrotters; he’s even incited a cavalcade of click-happy youngsters to tweet “fuck me daddy” at him on the reg. But his greatest accomplishment won’t be his stance on inequality or even his efforts at reforming Vatican finances. It will be a generation of what I’m proudly calling #PopeBabies which will surely take their first screaming breaths nine months from now.

You see, hordes of thirsty people have taken to Craigslist posting personal ads, hoping to get biblical on this holiest of papal visits. Whether they’re just trying to capitalize on their day off, or whether the silver fox of the Vatican genuinely gets their Bible-thumping blood pumping, we couldn’t say. But nonetheless, we combed through this desert of smut to bring you our favorite desperate bids from those looking to get #blessed this week.

1. Pope in Town, Im Bored – m4w

“​Hey ladies, Im a 28 SBM in LeDroit Park (Howard University area) who is D/DF and I can host or drive to you. I’m bored out of my mind on since I dont work due to the Pope being in town , anyone want to keep me company? Maybe grab a drink or something….Put you favorite color in the subject line so that I can weed out spam. Please include a picture of yourself as well for I will be able to provide more to you than what you see here. WOMEN ONLY and NO HOOKERS.”

He may be soliciting sex on Craigslist, but he wants to make it clear where his standards lie: NO HOOKERS.

2. Let’s have fun, while the Pope visiting DCm4m

“Hi! It’s a blessing day, the Pope he’s visiting DC today.  So let’s celebrate. Let’s have fun. It’s a perfect time to enjoy it. I’m European Caucasian good looking guy.38 186 6′. Ddfreeneg , into anything safe for fun. Kiss cuddle mkout oral vers more bottom. Travel. See u soon!”

This is actually endearing as fuck. He just wants to cuddle, you guys.

3. federal worker looking to play while the Pope is in town (Arlington)

“Hey there, I’m a federal worker off work while the Pope is in town, and I’m looking to play with a cute fun woman while my wife is at work. I’m easy-going, fun, 6’4”, green eyes, handsome, and very discreet. Let’s have some fun together. Respond “CL ad” in the subject line if you’re interested so I know you’re real.”

Don’t tell his holiness…or his wife.

4. Some sin before the pope arrives? – m4w

“Built safe horny WM going to be in my nw DC office early. I’d rather swing by your place for a little sin before the pope arrives:) being bad sure feels good. More pics available. Ddf and drama free. Please let me know your location when you are available and what you are looking for.”

This guy’s looking to have something to confess. Someone get this man some papal nookie!

5. Pope Pussy? – m4w

“Let’s go forth and multiply? Normally you are a nice person, but have a libido that won’t quit. You have something between your ears as well as between your legs. I am a single white male, 6 foot 1 inch, 220 pounds and 44 years old. I posses striking blue eyes, hip glasses, short-wild-greyish hair and a goatee. I’m a director at a progressive nonprofit. I travel often. This could be a one-time thing or perhaps friends with benefits.”

Hands down, he wins for best listing title. Ladies, this is your man.

6. You (busty girl), me, the Pope and Ben Franklin (Midtown East)

OK, maybe not the Pope, but how about you and me? I’m a businessman here in the city (for business, of course) – with an open day tomorrow. I’m in Times Square and I know it will be crazy busy with all the Pope stuff going on. So, let’s forget about that guy and have some naughty fun! I’ll make it worth your while, if you know what I mean ;)”

Whoa whoa whoa. We’re not sure what role Ben is gonna play in all this, but we’re intrigued. Will he watch? Will he fly a kite while he watches? Does he keep his bifocals on?

7. Once the Pope Leaves (Midtown)

“I’ll need someone else to hang around with. Looking for someone who is fun, funny, kind to people and animals, confident and attractive to me (very subjective). . …also single (meaning unmarried). I live in Manhattan so would prefer that you do too or at least work here. Send a pic and note and I’ll respond back.”

Aside from the alarming fact that this user considers the Pope to be a personal companion, he values kindness to animals, so he’s got that going for him.

8. Day off, looking for party partner… – m4w

“It’s Yom Kippur and Pope Week! This definitely calls for some bad behavior. Very chill white guy with the day off and the need to let lose. Anyone wanna play in the snow with me? Pretty open to who it is, as long as you are fun. Me: Tall, blue eyes, super fun. No drama. Discretion.”

We dig this guy’s equal opportunity policy on desecrating the sanctity of all religions. But It’s still fall here in New York, so we’re also willing to bet by “play in the snow” he means “cum on your chest.”

9. Pope is in town. Anybody for phone sex or Webcam fun? – m4w

“Would any lady like to play on the phone or on skype or another video source? I would like to talk dirty to each other while we play with ourselves. I am 29, work in a professional field, am 6 feet tall, and have brown hair and blue eyes (we can trade pics when you email). Please put your favorite sexual position in the email subject to prove that you are not email, and then we can exchange screen names.”

Some get straight to the point. This guy is not messing with any traveling or disease-free disclaimers. He just wants to use #PopeDay as a free shot to see some titties.

10. Visitin…Dont tell the POPE …now lets ? m4mw – m4w

“Visiting, have the day free some fun before the weekend, why not !! send a pic, lets get freaky and a little crazy open to anything hot.”

Whatever you do, don’t tell the Pope.

Photos by Getty Images