The Right Way to Make a Sex Tape

If you absolutely must make a sex tape, follow these essential production tips. And then erase it.

We don’t need to link to the greatest hits of home-made sex tapes—Pamela, Paris, Kim, and the latest from (NSFW!) Randy Quaid. Celebrity sex tapes can be steamy, overly intimate, sweaty and…hairy. If they’ve taught us anything (beyond the basic fact that you should never, ever make one—but let’s set that aside for now) it’s that private, on-camera scenes can be done right, and can actually be fun.

A few tips to consider:

1) Have a Plan – Your lady has agreed to get into the bedroom and in front of the camera—awesome news. Now, take a tip from the pros and plan and “block” each shot. Give your partner a heads up on the game plan and stay on script. Nothing ruins the vibe like fumbling around when the cameras are rolling. If you think you’re going to have a hard time acting natural, try role-playing instead. Acting out a fantasy is a fun way to escape the pressure of the camera and, hey, sometimes it’s easier being someone else.

2) Lighting Is Important – You want to see everything in your sex tape, you don’t want to see everything, if you catch my drift. Invest in a prosumer light. A little flattery goes a long way. Shy away from harsh lighting and be aware of shadows. You want natural light and a nice warm glow. A few candles could add to the ambiance, but sheets catching fire will kill the mood (and, worst case, you).

3) Camera Angle is Everything – A wide angle will capture the entire scene, but won’t be as intimate. If you angle the camera too high, you’ll only see who’s on top. Your best bet is to place the camera at a lower angle that accentuates your lady’s curves and capture the entirety of your package. Take a tip from Rick Salomon and film her answering some candid questions. It’ll add a little mise en scene.

3) Grooming – Do yourself a favor and prep the manscape. If you ever plan on watching this sex tape again (which you shouldn’t), you’re going to want to look back and think, “Damn, I looked good.” Plus, a quick trim keep you from looking like a caveman, but it can, crucially, make you look bigger.

4) Lay the Groundwork – Get in the mood before you start rolling. People tend to freeze up and get really self-conscious in front of a camera, and now, suddenly, you’re naked. It’s awkward. The more you warm up your girl, the more comfortable she will be and, ultimately, the better the finished product. Tell her how hot and sexy she is as you touch her. Make her your porn star. (But keep it classy.)

5) Lock it up – Don’t ever share your sex tape on any digital platform, ever. Do not make a sex tape with someone you can’t trust (and, frankly, you probably can’t trust anyone). Revenge porn is real and even if you’re a regular ol’ Ron Jeremy, in the real world you don’t ever want your dick on the interwebs. Even if you don’t think of yourself a technology whiz, it’s probably best to stay away from “the cloud” and stick to a good old-fashioned camera-and-TV setup. If all you have is your cell phone, don’t email or text. Your other option is to watch the movie together, get in the zone for round 2 and delete. You can always make a new one. But we wouldn’t advise that either.

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