Robotic Sexual Healing

Prolong your life and have the best sex ever (with an inanimate object).

Prolong your life and have the best sex ever (with an inanimate object).

Sex robots seem to be having their moment in the sun (or rather, in all likelihood, their owners’ parents’ basements), and it looks like they won’t be going away anytime soon. Whether you’re looking to play dress-up with dog collars and treat them as a legitimate life partner like this guy, or you’re searching for a satisfying quickie without all the chatter, the newest crop of sexbots will be sure to fulfill your every need… so long as your “every need” doesn’t involve anything more complicated than “having a very lonely orgasm, then going for a bit of a cry in the bath.”

According to Dr. David Levy, author of Love and Sex With Robots – which is bound to be a best-seller among Blade Runner fanatics and high school band members everywhere – 2050 will prove to be the year of the sexually desirable androids. Predicted to be indistinguishable from humans (except for their complete and utter lack of emotion, humor, social abilities, and plain old physical warmth, presumably meaning they could hide utterly undetected at a Kardashian Thanksgiving dinner), these sex machines could also elongate your life via orgasm. Technologically trained to give you exactly what you want, when and where you want it, the improved sex could theoretically relieve stress, thereby reducing heart attacks and alleviating insomnia.

Unless your name is Jionni LaValle, you may be wondering: Why would I want to slip my manhood into a lifeless black hole? Well, there are some advantages. For starters, these plastic ladies don’t care about bad breath or saggy guts, they don’t have any sort of expectations of you to improve yourself, and don’t even care if you’re hosting a few venereal diseases. Of course, the fact that you apparently care so little about these things that you’re okay with screwing a robot instead of a woman is another issue entirely.

Still, as people who spent the weekend trying to see how long they could hold in their pee so we wouldn’t have to walk to the bathroom, we can’t criticize others for trying to make thier lives more compatible with their overwhelming laziness. And who knows, maybe this is the future? All down-south ventures, hardcore make-out sessions and lubed-up encounters, all without the mess of actual bodily fluids and a post-coital cuddle – this may be the best thing that ever happened to humanity. Which, now we think about it, may be the most depressing thing we’ve ever heard.

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