Science Concludes That When It Comes To Relationships, We Are All Screwed

That science is a real jerk sometimes.

Photo by Nick Dolding / Getty Images

A recent study from the British Journal of Psychology concluded that women with “feminine” facial features were more likely to be targets for short-term flings, not long-term relationships. So the song If You Want to Be Happy (“If you want to be happy for the rest of your life // never make a pretty woman your wife”), might not have just been a misogynistic attempt to explain away an unattractive spouse, but an expression of a hard-coded feature of the human brain! (Yeah, probably not.)

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As for ladies with more “masculine” features, men preferred to settle down with them rather than pursue a fling. Both conclusions reflect similar studies about female decisions when it comes to their choice in a male partner – women tend to want to settle down with a more successful dork, but spend a weekend humping a hunk.

This seems like common knowledge, sure, but why is this the case? Science says it’s probably because of cheating. Neither sex wants to have children, devote resources, and deal with the in-laws of a partner they think likely to cheat on them…but both sexes also want to produce children with the sexiest (aka healthiest) partner they can snag. Now it doesn’t take a math genius to figure out the problem here: If the science is to be believed – whether a nerd settles down with a hottie, a nerd settles down with a nerd, or a hottie settles down with another hottie – there is an inherent imbalance in the long or short-term desires of each couple. Meaning every relationship is doomed from the start! Awesome! 

Check out How to Deal With Your Girlfriend’s Friends and Science Alert: The Happiest People Practice BDSM