Science Proves Men Wish They Had More Sex In Life. Gee, Thanks, Science!

We’re glad you’re working so hard to continue proving what everyone already knows.

In three studies commissioned by the University of Holy Shit Is This Obvious But How Much Money Can We Waste Pretending This Is Actually Legitimate Research? (actually it was the University of California, Los Angeles, same diff), researchers discovered that men were more likely to regret not acting on a possible sexual liaison, while women feel remorse about casual encounters.

And that’s not all! The series of studies aimed to measure what else generally disappoints both sexes when it comes to their sexual history. The top three lady shames? Losing their virginity to the wrong partner, cheating, and moving too fast sexually. For men, being too shy to chase their boning dreams, too unadventurous in their youth, and too lame during their single life. What other conclusions did they reach that literally anybody could have guessed simply by watching ’90s sitcoms? Surprise, surprise, women regretted that one hideous sexual partner more than men.

Why couldn’t these science nerds discover something interesting? Like…men really regret not humping rhinos? Or that women feel ashamed about not doing more pegging? Instead, we get every stupid stereotype about men and women reaffirmed with a methodical stamp of approval. This is the kind of thing that leads to decades of crappy movies like This Is 40 and shitty TV shows like King of Queens harping on the same gender roles – “Men do things like this…but women do things like this!” (Cue applause and desire to blow one’s brains out). Come on, science. You’re better than this. 

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