Sex and Alcohol Are The Keys to Happiness

Per the world’s most obvious study.

Per the world’s most obvious study.

Photo: iStockPhoto | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Try to contain your astonishment here, but a new study indicates that sex tops the list of the most enjoyable human activities, followed closely by boozing—and not, as your girlfriend would have you believe, antiquing or watching The Voice. But more importantly, it casts the only two activities at which we’ve ever shown real promise in a positive light, one in which they are finally recognized as being widely preferred to things like, say, raising children or practicing religion. Or doing housework. Either way.

The study, conducted by the University of Canterbury in New Zealand—which is apparently a real school, and not just a fancy way of describing a bunch of dudes sitting in a basement, taking bong rips ’til they think they’ve reinvented the wheel—utilized text messaging data to analyze what activities people believe to bring the most happiness.

Here is a reenactment of one of the text message exchanges used in the analysis:

-“Plans 2nite?”

-“Yeah, pray, raise kids, clean the house, waste my youth..”

-“Ew. Wanna get tanked and fuck?”

-“Why yes, that sounds far more enjoyable!”

-“K, c u l8tr.”


Ok fine, so we made that up. But here’s something we didn’t make up: If you need a scientific study to confirm that sex and alcohol are more fun than everything else, chances are, you’re doing it wrong.

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